How To Impress An Axe Murderer

Last week I agreed to let an axe murderer come over to my house and tutor my 5 year old daughter in literacy. She was due at our home at 12:30, but just like every other human being that has ever come to visit me, she got turned around in our neighborhood, and before I knew it, I was standing out at the end of my driveway in a tank top, an apron and a pair of duck boots, and she hadn't even wielded the axe yet. (Yes, I was wearing pants but they didn't seem notable.)

I cordially invited this axe murdering educator into my home. I found her quite delightful. I've always felt that when it came to weapon-carrying, violent murderers, it's important to show them you trust them, so I allowed her to be alone with Mallory in the toy room. (We've got a table set up in there.)

Not to brag on my kid or anything (you know I'm going to), but since she's reading so well and capable of spelling words phonetically, her tutor decided to teach her how to write short stories. That's right, my five year old is well on her way to starting her very own blog. I thought I might give you a little taste of what you could expect when you visited Mal's blog.

And now, an unedited Mallory original:

I love to go to the stor. I love the stor. I am Mal. Mal loves to go to the stor but Mal loves you too.
And also a little piece entitled Dad and Mom:

Today Mal meets mom and dad I love them but they love her too.
Admit it. You'd totally "follow."

16 comments:

coach said...

By the way that "axe murderer" was my cousin. Another thing, by the time Mallory is graduating high school I am going to have to ask her to use small words to talk to daddy cause she is already too freaking smart. She's kind of pretty too, just saying!!!!!

Miss. Ardeth Blood said...

That's cute.

I came over from SITS to say hi and hope you are having a good week.

Cyndi said...

Saw this blog title over in the SITS comments and just had to click it! Very funny!

Amanda said...

That's better than a lot of blogs I've run across. A lot of poetry, too.

Axe murderers can be lovely people if you just give them a chance.

just call me jo said...

Did I miss something? Why did you consider cousin/tutor axe murderer?? Some times I'm slow.

I had to be fingerprinted twice to tutor here in AZ and they sent the card out saying my prints were still illegible. Maybe the print reades need an axe murderer tutor so they can read prints easier. hahaha I crack up!

Oh, and I would totally follow your daughter's blog. The words are short enough for me to understand...

Sarah and the Gentlemen said...

What a nice axe murderer you had!

Do you think Mallory would guest blog sometime until she gets her own blog up and running? I'm going to be gone for a week and don't know if I'll be able to post from the Dominican...

foxy said...

I would. I'd totally follow. I swear I'm not an axe murderer.

foxy said...

Oh yea, and my mom is Carolyn.

Just sayin. I know that qualified her last time.

Yankee Girl said...

I would totally follow her and following you now too!

I am not an axe murderer. I prefer a machete. Close, but not the same.

tbsomeday said...

lol
thanks for the update
see--they just need to be trusted--it's the suspcious people that they murder :)

wow--that's pretty impressive! my 5yr old can not write cute stories.
love the second one
yes--i would totally follow

Grand Pooba said...

I would totally follow, that is if she actually survives the axe murderer.

Uptown Girl said...

hrmmm I'm totally missing why the tutor is an axe murderer. Did I miss a huge glaring part of the story? Probably...

I'm glad you were wearing pants around your neighborhood. Forgetting pants is just the worst.

The Boob Nazi said...

Wait why is he/she an axe murderer?

Grilled Cheese said...

Please tell me I missed a post and that you figured out who this person is!

Designs by Jessie said...

missed the axe murder part..

very cute though, i was reading my sons journal the other day (6) and I wish he could write near that amount!!!

Dione said...

I was happy to hear that the tutor was an ax murderer - it made the story much more interesting.

Let me see if I've got this straight... Dad loves Mal, Mal loves the store, Mal loves Mom, Mom loves Mal, Mal loves Dad... Ugh, there's so many twists and turns. It's like a love triangle, but then she throws in the store. Intriguing.