Adding To The List Of Ways I've Ruined My Children's Future

My sister Malibu Barbie stayed with us all last week. Since she's eleven, I had to homeschool all three kids. For some reason the challenge of this made me much more proactive then usual. I reached peak awesomeness: I took them to see a play, taught them about dead leaves, planted gardens with them, cooked them healthy(ish) meals. I helped Malibu Barbie navigate the the murky waters of converting centuries into days. She can thank me when she's grown and she never needs to use that information. Seriously, when was the last time you said to yourself, "Now how many days were in the last century?" I taught Mallory about parts of speech. She's diagramming dangling participles now (that might be a mild exaggeration). As for Anthony, we've kind of been using his education like a parlor trick: "Hey look at my kid! He can add 2+2 and he's only three. Listen to him say his letter sounds, etc." This might make us bad parents. I'm not sure.

In addition to all of that, I managed to keep my laundry clean (yea for clean undies), and the kids and I took a walk to the park. It turned out the the public schools only had a half-day that day and the park was PACKED. I turned my kiddos loose and sat on the bench with the other moms. Let me just say, I have never in my life belonged to a clique. I think most of us assumed that after high school ended, cliques just disappeared, only to later find out that Mommyhood is exceptionally cliquey.

Do you breastfeed or formula feed?
Cloth diapers?
Fast food and hot dogs or all organic?
High-end preschool or stay-at-home?

After listening to the mom's at the park talk amongst themselves (loud enough for everyone else to hear by the way), I have determined that I'm going to have to change some things around here if I don't want to doom my children to a life of social outcastness (yeah, I totally just made that word up).While there are clearly many glaring flaws in my parenting, probably the most egregious one is that I have failed to teach my children the dangers of eating. I did teach my children that the meat we eat at meals comes from animals, however I failed to educate them on how those animals are mistreated. Fortunately for me, this can be rectified by allowing my small children to watch the documentary, "Food, Inc." This is the only way that my little girl can reach the enlightenment that the other mothers at the park kids have and refuse to eat any meat.

While I work on helping my children achieve the enlightenment that I myself lack, I suppose I could get my kids into everyone's good graces by pointing out how we planted our own herbs and veggies. It doesn't get any more organic then that.

 

But let's be honest, no amount of enlightenment is going to save my kids social future if any of those moms get wind that I let my kids plant a garden and play in the dirt in my kitchen.

 

Where I cook...dead animals...and non-organic produce.

I let my son rub all that potting soil into the table that I feed him breakfast at.

 

These poor kids don't stand a chance.

The results of the Rock Out or Wax Off are coming later this week. I swear...would I lie to you?