I Feel Like A Better Person Already

So in keeping with yesterday's post of living a more fulfilling life, I decided to better myself. Truthfully I'm so incredibly awesome and together that I couldn't think of anything about me that needed improvement. I thought long and hard. I thought all day. It was a  grueling day of thinking.

Well I suppose one might argue that I had a grueling day all around. I mean besides the thinking, I also watched two grown men pretend to be singing amphibians for an hour or so this morning. (true story)

Now sometimes when I'm trying to think of something and I get stuck, I put on music and dance around my living room. I bounce around, I wiggle like no dancer ever should and once in a while I find myself doing "the Elaine."
And when I'm all done. Voila! I feel better. I mean my mind is still a blank, but I feel good about my 3.5 minutes of cardio and that's good enough for me.

When the dancing fails me, I turn to the only person in the world that keeps track of my cycle for me... that I know of. I suppose that there could be a whole sect of people that I don't know about that have designed their life around my cycle, but I don't have any of their IM names so I only IMed Jessica.

Here is our conversation:

Me: Jessica, how could I be a better person. Give it your best shot.
Jessica: are you asking me to criticize you?
Me: sure.
Jessica: Do you recall the debacle with Justin and myspace and a little issue with his song
Please don't do this to me
Me: I wasn't actually looking for real criticism.
I actually had a moment of panic when you asked me if I really wanted to be criticized.
Jessica: ok.. um... scale back your love affair with Heidi Klum
Me: but, but, what's wrong with Heidi Klum?
Jessica: nothing. But you're a stalker. Right? This is supposed to be over the top, isn't it?

And then after a whole day of thinking and not coming up with anything, Jessica rattled off this list of ways for me to be a better person in like less then ten seconds: 
Jessica: Be a better person by supporting Trent more
and giving your kids real alcohol in their math shot glasses
instead of that cheap crap you keep giving them
this is funny but weird
read more
and learn to punctuate
that one's half-serious

That's like five things. Five things in like 10 seconds. I think it's obvious that I am no longer talking to her. What does she know anyway? She doesn't even own shot glasses. NERD.

I decided her opinion didn't count and contacted someone less nerdy. So I contacted Ryan. (He and Bryan were the only other two people I saw online and I'm pretty sure if I asked Bryan his answer would be honest and make me cry.)

Things went south between Ryan and I right from the beginning and before I knew it I was calling him a chicken and he was calling me a "playoff Yankee fan"

I probably won't be talking to him anymore either.


Spot On Your Pants said...

I have no idea what any of this means, but I'm glad you know about The Elaine. My sister and I invented a derivative of the Elaine, called the Thelma. Come to Blog Her and I'll show you!

Punk said...

I think that it's safe to say, with this unusual lack of comments, that you should never quote me straight from Trillian as the main point of your post.

It's also entirely possible that you need another proofer because our co-joined use of the brain makes it so I can't tell if your blogs make sense. They always make sense to me. It's apparently a problem.

Mr. Punk said...

"Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself."

It's true that we don't own shot glasses. But, we do have a set of those tiny Japanese tea cups. I also have a Pilsner glass with a Medieval Times logo on it. So there.

tbsomeday said...

what's wrong with a lack of punctuation? or captial letters since we're on the subject :)

Sarah and the Gentlemen said...

I think the world would be a better place if more people would watch Phineas and Ferb.

That and stop asking other people "How are you?" when they don't really want to know. Why ask a question when you don't listen for the answer? Nevermind. I don't care.

Amanda said...

I think maybe Jessica should start doing all your thinking for you exclusively...I mean imagine how much time and energy that would free up for you. You could just Elaine dance all the live long day, then in the evenings watch that baseball team we're going to buy practice.

Christy said...

first of all...the elaine episode was on today...yes i watch tv in the middle of the day.
secondly...although i have no idea what you are saying half of the time, you still make me laugh
trent and heidi are both lucky to have you!

Ms Bibi said...

You give your kids the cheap crap and keep the good stuff for yourself...shame on you.I am with Jessica...bring out the good stuff and you'll be better mommy therefore you'll be better person.

Did I mention I love how wonderfully twisted you are?

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

babe, take a cue from my even-more-Southern-than-me relatives. Honesty is highly overrated. Never ask anyone what they think of you unless they gave birth to you, are married to you and you want to create that deer-in-headlights look, or are willing to coat it with lots of sugar ("Honey, you know I think you're just the sweetest thing since sliced bread. . .).

JoeyRes said...

Self-improvement is so overrated. Your able to pull off the Elaine and call it your daily cardio. You are perfect just the way you are!