You might have noticed that I took a bit of a last minute, unannounced bloggycation, and by "you," I mean my mom. Not to worry, I've spent the past few weeks wisely. I started beefing with Katy Perry. I know it's hard to believe because she seems so sweet with her pop hits and wholesome former sex addict fiance, but I think once you've heard the whole story you'll be on my side.
So I was hanging out in an L.A. nightclub -- like I do -- when Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" starts playing. Katy got all whiny and was like, "Tupac would never approve of a song about the East Coast being played in L.A." Understandably, I was outraged and called her out by singing a classic Biggie Smalls hit right there in the club. Naturally, all this led to a slap fight and some hair pulling. I know you are thinking that our fight wasn't nearly hardcore enough for an East Coast/West Coast feud since there were no guns involved, but I assure you that this is how it started out between Biggie and Tupac. Why do you think Tupac had no hair? It was his best plan of defense.
Back to the fight,: I was totally dominating her (everyone knows East Coast girls are tougher). However, we were on her turf, and before I knew it, Paris Hilton was pulling my hair, and Lindsey Lohan was clawing at my eyes (she's going to be just fine in prison), and I had to run for it.
By the time I had landed back in New York, Katy had a hit pop song about California Girls, and she and Snoop Dog had put out a not-so-appropriate for children candy themed video for it.
I realize that at this point you are waiting for my rebuttal song/video about how much better East Coast Girls are. But I didn't write a rebuttal because I felt this song is its own rebuttal. Honestly, let's just start with the title, "California Gurls." Um, Katy, it's GIRLS with an I. This settles the age old debate of whether East Coast or West Coast girls are better spellers. At the very least, we are smart enough to value and respect spellcheck. Score one, East Coast Girls.
Speaking of girls, I'd like to point out that all of Katy's friends in this video are pulled out of things like plastic wrap and jello. This reeks of psychology. Clearly this represents how California girls are all made out of plastic and other congealed products. Whereas, here on the East Coast, when things start to sag or droop we just roll with it. We're authentic.
Point number two: in the Candyland style game showcased in the video, Snoop is clearly seen rolling dice. Any father worth his child support check knows that there are no dice in Candyland. This proves that East Coast men make better fathers. Fact.
Oh, and, Katy, maybe you think you look cute prancing around in public in those sparkly shorts and your cupcake bra top but I don't know a single self-respecting East Coast Girl that would be caught outside of their bedroom in their cupcake bra. Also, just because we don't go to church in Daisy Dukes and bikini tops doesn't mean we don't know how to show a little skin. Hello, fingerless gloves anyone?
In all fairness, I can relate to some parts of this video. Like the part where Katy is surrounded by candy snakes and climbs up a straw and ends up naked on the top of a cotton candy cloud singing. I've totally had that nightmare too.
Nightmares aside, Katy, you have not only failed to convince me that being from the West Coast is better, but I suspect that you secretly wish you were an East Coast girl. We have all the good sweaters and snow sports.
East Coast Represent.