All right people I realize I've been MIA and I'm not going to account for my whereabouts because the witness protection people get all persnickety when you divulge that info. I am, however, going to inform you that the Buffalo Bills have traded Jason Peters their starting left tackle to the Eagles. I, for one, am relieved because I think he's been nothing but trouble for going on two seasons now and am happy to have an end to his shenanigans in Buffalo.
I'm not so foolish as to not realize that this creates a gaping hole in a critical position on the offensive line. In order to solve such a hole I've consulted with Punk on this one. I feel this was a good idea since she doesn't watch any football at all and clearly would be the right one to ask for advice on an issue such as this. Below is a copy of our IM conversation in which we solved this problem. You are going to be so impressed. (we will be jumping in mid-conversation, right after I inform her of the trade, also the words in italics have been added to hopefully make our conversation make more sense to anyone who is not us.)
Missy (me) :Well he (Peters) is really good and his position is really important but he's a jerk and beyond and I'm happy to see him go.
Punk (not a football consultant) : 8.5 mil a year... psht... chump change, obviously
Missy: Of course now we only have 3 offensive linemen and we need 5. That could be bad. I don't think that defensive players will have too much trouble getting to the QB without anyone guarding him.
Missy: Maybe I should try out.
Punk: I'd take up watching football
Missy: I'd need a really good pair of stilts (I'm 5'3")and to gain like 100+ lbs (ha like I'd share my weight!)
Punk: and weight gain would be kind of fun, of course, a lot of it would have to be muscle, which isn't as much fun as milkshakes and french fries
Missy: yeah could you see me benching weights with football players. That's so funny I could fall out of my chair with my silent laughter.
Missy: I'm just imagining a 6'8" 360lb man spotting me.
Missy: Also I did 15 push-ups last night and maybe cried a little. I'm sure I could totally fit in down there.
Punk: you would be like their favorite little sister/ mascot/ teammate
Missy: /Left tackle, you know protecting the qb's blind side with my intense talent and unparalleled size.
Punk: and you'd eventually end up being the most famous female tiny person/ left tackle in NFL history
Missy: YES! I'm awesome and now everyone will know. I might even make the NFL hall of fame.
Punk: you'd get to play alongside him every day... isn't that worth it right there?
Missy: well I'm thinking that if I'm the left tackle he'll (Trent Edwards, for good measure) spend a fair amount of time in the hospital and I'll be chilling with the back-up qb so it has it's cons.
Punk: there is that, which is sad
Missy: The back-up qb went to Harvard. I might learn something interesting.
Punk: Stanford and Harvard... geez... Do the Bills have their own Mensa group?
Missy: the coach is from Yale...
Missy: but they haven't made the play-offs in 10 years, but they could probably build a robot
Punk: true true.. you have to love that (being able to build an robot) in an NFL team
Missy: OH!!! maybe they could build a robot left tackle!
Missy: I'm a genius
Punk: a robot left tackle.. that is genius.. you should send an email to whoever needs that kind of information
If you've made it through this whole post you can clearly see that we have successfully solved the issue at left tackle. Build a robot. If they fail to do that I could sub in. Perhaps even ride the bench behind the robot. You know, hang with Gibran and such.
Are you listening Russ Brandon*? You should be.
*The Bills GM who I didn't feel was cute enough to merit a link.
2017 NFL Draft: Ranking the running backs
5 hours ago