Hey Trent Edwards, You Played Great. By The Way, Your Tie Was The Real Winner.

Things have been really busy over here since the start of school, and it's really been eating into the time I waste spend cherish reading up on my Bills. I did manage to find enough time to watch Trent Edwards' post-game press conference (I haven't forgotten my priorities). I liked his tie, and what he said was solid too.

I know you are all dying to hear my take on the Bills/Patriots Monday Night Football game. At least Dione is. She said so in her comment yesterday, and I'm sure she wasn't being sarcastic. I'm sure that she considered watching the game, but then noticed that TBS airs old episodes of The Office and watched that instead.

So, Dione, since you apparently think Dwight is better looking than my QB, and you begged and threatened to harm yourself if I didn't, I'll fill you in on the game.

The pre-game is as important as the game itself. Almost. Actually it's not even close to as important, but I'm going to blog about it anyway.

Sometime last week, I suggested to Tony that we play a drinking game during the pre-game show (from 6-7). Everytime the announcers said Tom Brady (they love him so much they can't stop talking about him), we'd do a shot of beer. Everytime they said T.O. (they hate him so much they can't stop talking about him), we'd do two shots of beer. I'm pretty sure that Tony heard the words "Drinking game" and didn't bother to listen to the rest and just said Fresh or True or something along those lines that indicated that he wanted to play. So last night at 6 when the pre-game started, we had our shot glasses and booze ready. By 6:05 we were falling behind on shots because the announcers had said Tom Brady more times than I mention how hot Trent Edwards is in a post. By 6:15 we were trying to figure out how many shots behind we had fallen behind, and T.O's name had started popping up. By 6:20, we had given up. I'm not sure the announcers said anything except Tom Brady, Tom Brady, (insert pre-taped interview with Tom Brady here), Tom Brady, T.O., (insert pre-taped video about T.O. here), T.O., Tom Brady, oh, yeah, football, Tom Brady.

Then there was kick-off, and I stopped breathing for three and a half hours.

Here is a video recap. To understand the emotions we went through, you can watch this or you can read my recap of one-liners (and by one-liners I mean rambly run-on sentences) after the video. It is important to note at this time that during my recap, I refer to the Bills as We (since I'm clearly a part of the team) and the Patriots as They or Them.

We scored FIRST. A touchdown. My boy Trent is looking good (and I'm not talking about his hair his actual game play looks good).

It's customary after a Bills touchdown at their stadium that they play the shout song. It's also customary that G.G. calls after every score. We always fight over who has to take the phone because she always call from the bar, and we can't hear her talking, and she can't hear us, and we spend a bunch of time going, "WHAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU. YEAH, BILLS. WHAT? YEAH, GO BILLS." And then we mumble, "The game's back on," and hang up on her. This time I answered. I didn't say hello or even put the phone to my ear. I set it on the desk in front of the speaker, and this is what she heard.

Then I hung up.

They score a touchdown (boo hiss).

Then, in the second quarter, with the game tied up, the great and mighty, future NFL Hall of Famer, "I married a supermodel in the offseason and now she's having my baby" Tom Brady threw a pick six (which means he threw the ball, our team intercepted it and then ran it back for a touchdown).

We are winning. We are excited.

They kick a field goal (3 points). We are unhappy.

I make Nachos for myself, CeCe and the boys. They are quickly devoured.

We kick a field goal. The score is 17 to 10. We are totally winning.

I become giddy and light-headed. Probably because I haven't taken a breathe in roughly 2 hours and 45 minutes.

They score another field goal.

We score a touchdown and extend our lead to 11 points with only 5:30 minutes left in the game. The only way the Patriots can beat us now is to score two touchdowns in 5 minutes. That, my good friends, is not easy.

In my jubilation, I jump up on the couch Tom Cruise style, throw my hands in the air and end up scraping my knuckles on the ceiling. I will later realize that I have drawn blood.

We dance to the Bills shout song for the fourth time, and I hear CeCe say to herself, "I love this song." Me too, CeCe. Me too.

The announcers notice Trent Edwards is on the field and mention his name in a positive way. Making the ratio of times they've said Tom Brady's name to times they've said Trent Edwards' name roughly 1 million to 1.

They score a touchdown. 2:06 left in the game. We got this. We are so beating the PATRIOTS!! This never happens! You've got to be kidding me! We are going absolutely nuts.

We fumble the ball.

Let me say it again because it wasn't painful enough the first time: WE FUMBLE THE BALL. Allowing the great and might Tom Brady back on the field, and do you know what he did? (If you watched the video, you know).

HE SCORED A TOUCHDOWN AND WON THE GAME.

Coach ripped off his Bills jersey and slammed it onto the couch.

I started breathing again, and I might have cried.

I went to bed and prayed for a win next Sunday.

I Forgot To Tell You Something

I'm sorry about not getting a blog up last night. I've been super-busy over here with um... first I....um....OK fine you dragged it out of me. I've been obsessing over the Buffalo Bills, refreshing their homepage and checking their message boards for news out of camp. Coach had to bribed me with jewelry and then he waved my season tickets under my nose in order to get me off the computer and then I fell asleep. Oh, I didn't mention that the season tickets showed up? They're so pretty. I love them.

I bet you are a little concerned that in the midst of my obsession I've forgotten that I have kids. Your concern would have been valid, but those little buggers never stop talking. Not even the greatest Zen master in the world could tune them out.

Braden's conversations are pretty standard, "Do you like the Ninja Turtles?" (he asks everyone he meets this.) "I'm drinky." (thirsty) "My tummy is gun (going) to explode." (I have no idea what this means but it makes me laugh every time.) "Emuhgency, emuhgency!" (usually this means that a stuffed animal has fallen off his bed or he has run out of water and needs more.)

As for Bella, it kind of seems like "freaking out" is her catch phrase. She uses it all the time, ...they're freaking out, Nonna's going to freak out, etc. But the past few days she's started coming out with some classic stuff. Yesterday morning I was taking care of odds and ends...oh who am I kidding I was probably at the Bill's website. I need professional help. Anyway, my kids are fussing with each other because Bella wants to play with Braden but he really wants to play alone. They go back and forth for a few minutes and then I hear Bella say to him, "But Braden, I've always been there for you!"

This is true actually, when Braden was learning his ABC's, she was there. When he went through his matchbox car phase, she was there. When he wants to hear "Beat it" she puts it on for him. When he can't decide if he likes Leo or Donny better, she's there. Then why, for the love of Pete, won't he play Barbie's with her? Psh, boys.

Last night Coach had to work late and I put the kids to bed on my own. It's become custom after our usual bedtime routine of Bible and prayers, for me to make the kids repeat back to me the rules of bedtime. Braden has three rules that all pertain to staying in bed whereas Bella's only rule is "NO TALKING." It never works. Every night without fail she gets into bed, repeats her rule to me and as soon as I walk out of the room she says, "Mom, can I ask you one more thing?" She does this like five times. It's not aggravating or annoying at all. I swear I only made that no talking rule so she could have a rule to break like her brother does. Come to think of it he obeys his three rules much better than she does her one...hm. I digress.
So last night as I'm leaving the kids room, Bella does her usual "one more thing" routine and I turn to her and say in my kindest Michelle Duggar voice, "WHAT?!"

"When Daddy gets home to kiss me tell him I said, 'Behold, I am asleep'!"

By the time Coach came home I was ready for bed and neglected to pass on the message. So Coach, go and behold your daughter, she is asleep.

I too am headed for bed now. I'll no doubt have to swing by the Bills website to check it for updates. It's 1:25 am, I'm not sure what I think they'll be reporting on out in Western NY. I'm sure that all of the players are asleep. But you never know, it's entirely possible that the media will sneak into the players' rooms to report on their sleeping habits. And, if they should happen to stumble into TO's room and find him sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber with a sparkly sign above it that says, "Behold, I am asleep." I'll be the first to know.

What Do Vampires, Football and Trent Edwards Hair Have In Common? The Superbowl, Duh.

So I'm trying to think of something to write about but my head is full of football related stuff. It's an exciting time of year for a football fan. Particularly a Buffalo Bills' fan. Every team in the NFL has a clean slate. I could go into great detail as to why the Bills need a clean slate more than most but I don't want to bore and confuse you. So let's just stick with the Bills need a clean slate more than most.
I mentioned yesterday that I've been reading every little report out of training camp and I wasn't kidding. One of my favorite daily reports pops up on the Bills message boards. When he describes watching TO play he says,

"TO sparkles at me again. This time it is the label on his hat. He left the laser label on there. He sparkles when he runs from his shoes. And then his hat and his diamond earring sparkles now and then. The man twinkles!
He knows what he is doing. It’s not over the top bling. But the guy knows showmanship. I like watching him sparkle."

I like watching him sparkle. I've heard these words before, most likely about a certain vampire.

Turns out that Mr. Cullen and Mr. Owens have more than just sparkle in common. It would seem that Terrell also runs with astonishing speed and possess grace and agility that others do not. It seems so clear now. How is it that after 14 years in the NFL he seems to not have aged or lost a step? Also it has been rumored that he eats his quarterbacks. How could no one have figured this out before. Terrell Owens is a vampire. It's the only logical explanation for his elite abilities.

As excited as I am about the acquisition of Terrell to the team, now that I have discovered the truth about him I am fearful for Trent's life. Trent has always seemed like such a good guy, he has a great upside as a quarterback and he's so lovely to look at...except for perhaps his current hairstyle. I'm on the fence about it. It's so iffy that even the media asked him about it. (The media always knows how to get to the heart of an issue don't they. Clearly our season depends solely on Trent's hair and not so much on how he plays.) According to Trent, his mom's not a big fan of the new longer hair.

Here is a refresher of Trent's hair from last season. We started out strong but then finished an with an embarrassing win/loss record of 7-9. We did not make the playoffs, but his hair looks cute.

Here we have the current hairstyle. Is this the look that will lead us into the post season? Trent himself claims the longer hair is due to his increased workout schedule (and not having enough time to get to the stylist). I personally think he's finally figured out what Samson (of the Bible) knew all along. Long locks bring the strength and endurance necessary to make it to the Superbowl. Samson knew it, I know it and now Trent knows it.

Don't listen to your mom, Trent. Keep growing that hair. I want the Superbowl.

Homegirl, You are Going to Be So Sorry You Said That.

When I was in college my English professor graced us with this piece of advice. When you write, keep your audience in mind. This advice got me alot of A's on college papers and I've tried to be mindful of who checks out this blog and write posts that I hope you'll find interesting. Today, however, I received a new piece of advice, this time from a friend who we'll call Homegirl. (because I know it will annoy her.) Homegirl assured me that I didn't need to worry about the audience and I should write about whatever I wanted. So you can blame her when you get halfway through this post and start to wonder what the heck I'm talking about. (The answer to what the heck am I talking about will be football by the way.)

I miss football. I was reading over some Buffalo Bills message boards today (that means I was cleaning and taking care of kids if you happen to run into my husband). So in the course of my perusing I found a link to an old playbook for the 1994 Bills. I bookmarked it immediately. I did this because I'm a loser that has every intention of going back and reading through it over and over again until I pretty much have it memorized. By the time I'm done with the playbook I'll be able to step into a huddle and let the team know their assignments, proper terminology and all. I'll be Jim Kelly. Only younger and with bigger boobs, oh and decidedly less male.

In addition to preparing for taking over the QB duties this fall, I read an article about the current QB (Trent Edwards aka the Armenian Superstar) and got to thinking. Alot of people felt that he looked like he was scared to get hit towards the middle of last season. I don't buy this. I think he was trying to adjust his game (how he plays) to not get hit as often rendering him injured and leaving his team in the lurch with the devil at QB (JP Losman and yes, the devil does ride a bike and two is the number souls he stole that day). He was trying to go through his progressions faster (look to each of his options for getting rid of the ball) and trying to make a faster decision and this resulted in his rhythm being thrown off and consequentially not being able to connect with his receivers down the field and he'd dump it off to someone nearby.

I spent at least a solid hour today thinking about this nonsense. So if you think you've suffered by having to read one paragraph let me assure you that I could have gone on and on about this. I didn't. You're welcome. Now sit back and enjoy the above picture of #5. Yes, it is a desperate attempt to make amends with you for writing a blog about sports and not just rambling about how cute the players are. I'm hoping you'll take one look at the beauty that is the Armenian Superstar and forgive me.

If you build him, He will play

All right people I realize I've been MIA and I'm not going to account for my whereabouts because the witness protection people get all persnickety when you divulge that info. I am, however, going to inform you that the Buffalo Bills have traded Jason Peters their starting left tackle to the Eagles. I, for one, am relieved because I think he's been nothing but trouble for going on two seasons now and am happy to have an end to his shenanigans in Buffalo.



I'm not so foolish as to not realize that this creates a gaping hole in a critical position on the offensive line. In order to solve such a hole I've consulted with Punk on this one. I feel this was a good idea since she doesn't watch any football at all and clearly would be the right one to ask for advice on an issue such as this. Below is a copy of our IM conversation in which we solved this problem. You are going to be so impressed. (we will be jumping in mid-conversation, right after I inform her of the trade, also the words in italics have been added to hopefully make our conversation make more sense to anyone who is not us.)



Missy (me) :Well he (Peters) is really good and his position is really important but he's a jerk and beyond and I'm happy to see him go.
Punk (not a football consultant) : 8.5 mil a year... psht... chump change, obviously
Missy: Of course now we only have 3 offensive linemen and we need 5. That could be bad. I don't think that defensive players will have too much trouble getting to the QB without anyone guarding him.
Missy: Maybe I should try out.
Punk: I'd take up watching football
Missy: I'd need a really good pair of stilts (I'm 5'3")and to gain like 100+ lbs (ha like I'd share my weight!)
Punk: and weight gain would be kind of fun, of course, a lot of it would have to be muscle, which isn't as much fun as milkshakes and french fries
Missy: yeah could you see me benching weights with football players. That's so funny I could fall out of my chair with my silent laughter.
Missy: I'm just imagining a 6'8" 360lb man spotting me.
Punk: lol
Missy: Also I did 15 push-ups last night and maybe cried a little. I'm sure I could totally fit in down there.
Punk: you would be like their favorite little sister/ mascot/ teammate
Missy: /Left tackle, you know protecting the qb's blind side with my intense talent and unparalleled size.
Punk: and you'd eventually end up being the most famous female tiny person/ left tackle in NFL history
Missy: YES! I'm awesome and now everyone will know. I might even make the NFL hall of fame.

Punk: you'd get to play alongside him every day... isn't that worth it right there?
Missy: well I'm thinking that if I'm the left tackle he'll (Trent Edwards, for good measure) spend a fair amount of time in the hospital and I'll be chilling with the back-up qb so it has it's cons.
Punk: there is that, which is sad
Missy: The back-up qb went to Harvard. I might learn something interesting.
Punk: Stanford and Harvard... geez... Do the Bills have their own Mensa group?
Missy: the coach is from Yale...
Punk: omg
Missy: but they haven't made the play-offs in 10 years, but they could probably build a robot
Punk: true true.. you have to love that (being able to build an robot) in an NFL team
Missy: OH!!! maybe they could build a robot left tackle!
Missy: I'm a genius
Punk: a robot left tackle.. that is genius.. you should send an email to whoever needs that kind of information

If you've made it through this whole post you can clearly see that we have successfully solved the issue at left tackle. Build a robot. If they fail to do that I could sub in. Perhaps even ride the bench behind the robot. You know, hang with Gibran and such.

Are you listening Russ Brandon*? You should be.



*The Bills GM who I didn't feel was cute enough to merit a link.

Now it's getting good

T.O. to the Bills.

OMG!! Seriously.

Oooooh now it's going to get good.

Or Ugly. It remains to be seen.

Like a giddy school-girl

Free Agency started last night at 12:01am and yesterday the Bills cut Dockery and Royal and re-signed Chambers and McIntyre and tendered a bunch of guys. Also Gibran Hamdan, a favorite of mine, was re-signed. (yeah!)
This is the first year I've paid attention to anything that has to do with the off-season and my husband is giddy like a school-girl that I care. I care so much that I got online first thing this morning to see if we'd signed anyone. We haven't.

I've got to go grocery shopping. I hope OBD is as productive this morning as I plan on being.

Fairy Godmother by marriage

Sometime last week I wrote about how two Buffalo Bills are going to be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in August and how we wanted to go but it was too much money. I mentioned that it would cost us like $1000, which as it turns out was a lie. Since there are two of us it would cost $2000. Which naturally I have that much under my mattress... So I resigned myself to the fact that this hall of fame trip was a pipe dream and consoled myself with dreams of trips to Buffalo for regular season games. (I know I'm a complete dork)

The Coach's godmother, G.G., has spoiled him his whole life. I don't think she's ever thought twice about spending money on him. She has no children and the Coach is pretty much her boy. So when she found out that we couldn't make the Hall of Fame trip, she volunteered to pay our way.

Seriously.

She won $3000 in a Superbowl pool and decided to spend it on this trip and didn't want to go without the Coach. All I had to do to benefit from this arrangement was make a lifetime commitment of marriage to G.G.'s boy.

It's at total win-win for me.

Defective Mom

OK so I was reading one of my favorite blogs and she was talking about how she can't go to the store without buying her 2 year old something. So last night I went to the store to get out of the house and I was thinking I should buy something little for my kids. Honestly, my kids have everything. I simply can't justify spending money on something that they have something similar to already. I did eventually end up buying them coloring books and crayons but the cheapy dollar ones. I then proceeded to buy myself like $25 worth of make-up. I'm thinking that this makes me a somewhat defective mother. Shouldn't I be chomping at the bit (yes, I used a horse reference while talking about myself, that's got to say something) to spend money on my kids even on things they don't need instead of buying crap for myself? In my defense, I was running out of foundation so I NEEDED it. The purple liquid eyeliner was just because it was so cool and I couldn't buy the eyeliner without the accompanying eye shadow or it wouldn't have looked as good. I did draw the line (no pun intended) at the purple mascara, but how cool does that sound?
I may be a defective mother but I'm a super-fantastic daughter (I've had longer to practice at this). My parents and six (yes six) of my siblings are currently on a cruise and I've agreed to dog-sit. That's right they went on a cruise and I got a dog. She's the best kind of dog though and my kids love her to pieces.
Also as a side note (because I'm a total dork) yesterday were the announcements for the NFL hall of fame inductees and not one but two Buffalo Bills were selected!! So congratulations Ralph Wilson and Bruce Smith!! I'm super excited for you!! (can't you tell by the number of exclamation points that I used in this paragraph?)
So my husband and his god-mother want to go to the hall of fame game and festivities. Um, have they seen the prices for this thing? I have and it's a crapload of money. We just ordered our Bills season tickets, I feel fairly certain that we can't swing and additional grand for one weekend of football. Well, maybe if I stop buying make-up.