An Open Thank You Note

My Dearest Inventor of the Automobile,

While there is some apparent dispute over who you are and according to wikianswers you could be up to 100,000 different people, I have chosen to only write one letter. I hope you don't find this disrespectful. It in no way means that I don't treasure you, Sir Isaac Newton and Leonardo DaVinci. If it wasn't for your countless hours of daydreaming (a habit I also pursue with great diligence)we would have to give credit to other men for creating the theory for a vehicle that houses so many of life's finest moments.

Why, just yesterday I was enjoying the fruits of your theorizing while headed to dinner (Sorry, Sir Isaac, no apples were consumed)and had the pleasure of hearing the following conversation while listening to Michael Jackson,

Bella: Which Michael is this? The young Michael or the old Michael?

Tony: Young Michael or old Michael?...They are the same person.

Bella: (shocked pause) (shocked staring) What?!

It was during this same car ride that I also learned that Tony had once peed in a bottle while on a road trip with some buddies. I could have never had this experience without the hard work of Ferdinand Verbiest, a missionary to China and also (the disputed) builder of the first car.

I am grateful for the countless hours of work you each put in so that the parents of teenaged drivers across America could be terrified, lose sleep and cry in the passenger seat. I appreciate the time you spent away from your families so that other families would have a way to discuss personal issues like sex, bowel movements, personal hygiene and politics without having to make eye contact, all in the name of "keeping your eyes on the road."

I assure you that you have not gone unnoticed just because you didn't design the Escalade or Rabbit. Your contribution to society lives on. Your due diligence has given me street cred by giving me the means to flip a car over in an ice storm and then climb out of said upside down car and wander up and down the road looking for help. Not to mention the education I have received while trapped in the car with other occupants. An education that has inspired a great many blog posts. Or the education that my children have received from their Uncle Tony while stuck in the backseat with him. For example, how else would my three year old know that he should refer to his "junk" as "beans?"

While I can't be certain why you dreamed of travelling by horseless carriage, I imagine it could have been because horses poop and it smells bad, or because you couldn't hear the conversation going on in the buggy while you were dealing with those horses. Perhaps you even thought it inhuman to make horses pull you around, but most likely it was for the coolness factor. I mean, imagine the status boost with the ladies when you rolled into town WITHOUT the poo smell.

I bet you were the man, er, men. In my book you still are. I salute you theorizers, mechanics and womanizers that invented the car. You are my collective heroes.

With much gratitude,


Punk said...

I don't travel by automobile; I travel by ninja.

... Today, I graciously loan you the "hilarity" part of our relationship. Not only are you awesome, today - but only today - you are also hilarious. Congrats.

Dione said...

My husband (who was NOT my husband at the time) has also peed in a bottle during a car trip. But that's probably better than my 1/2 siblings, who I learned, have peed in a potty chair on their trips. For this I am grateful I was raised by the other parent.

coach said...

If not for the automobile how would you get to see Trent and his beautiful self?