You Don't Say

My Aunt Lisa was teasing me the other day (at least I hope she was teasing. Pretty sure....maybe not...). She said that she would no longer be speaking with me since everything that people say to me ends up on this blog. In my defense, this is not true. Considering the kinds of things I share I'm sure you are wondering how bad the stuff I don't share is. Oh the juicy secrets I won't share.* I leave you to suffer in your curiosity.

When it comes to secrets Coach's family** and my family are very different. My family operates with open honesty. Often being too honest, occasionally bringing on tears and fits of hysteria or divulging personal information that causes those in the room to look around awkwardly trying not to make eye contact.

Coach's family on the other hand values your secret, until you leave the room. Then they discuss your personal issues, solve your problems for you and call you back. This approach usually ends in screaming, occasional tears and eventually everyone stops talking to each other for a lengthy period.

A week and a half ago, the Buffalo Bills Season Ticket Crew (the BBSTC***) made the five hour drive to Buffalo for the kid's day preseason game and brought Bella along.****

During the ride home the following day, the BBSTC (say it out loud you know you want to) began to wonder. If we intentionally started a rumor about one of us with Coach's family how long would it take for the rumor to work it's way back to each of us. We spent the rest of the ride home trying to chose the best rumor. We dabbled with small time rumors like marital problems between Coach and I, but in the end decided to go big.

We turned G.G. lesbian.

We felt this wasn't scandalous enough so we made her lover a Democrat. It seemed fitting since G.G. (a democrat) and her mom (a republican) had been having a fight just the week prior about how the only true news channel is Fox News.

Upon arriving back at Coach's parent's house we decided to test our rumor on Coach's mom. We fed her a full story about G.G.'s new found lover and how we felt G.G.'s boyfriend would react to the news and... she totally bought it. She stormed out of the room angry and refused to speak to any of us. Coach had to talk her down and explain that the whole thing was a complete fabrication. Then she took her shoe off and beat Tony, G.G. and I with it. (It's an Italian thing) Then she laughed, kind of.

The moral of this story is... What happens in the car should stay in the car?

Of course if this were true I would have never shared gems like the penis innie or how urinals resemble drinking fountains with you. It's a tough call.

In the spirit of honesty and not keeping secrets I feel the need to tell you that I only wrote all this so I could link to the Fox news story about breakfast and virginity.

* did you really think I would tell you about the personal information I just heard about Dirty Ridges? I will not, but it's hysterical.
** I use the term family loosely here. Apparently in Italian families if you've known someone for more than three years they become an honorary cousin. Let the record show that whenever I refer to "family" in this post I am applying the Italian rules for family.

*** BBSTC: G.G., Tony, Coach and myself.

**** Bella couldn't have cared less that there was a football game going on. However, she was thrilled to death to meet real live Buffalo Bills cheerleaders (Jills), eat a hot dog and high five strangers whenever the Bills scored. Also yes, I am wearing a Trent Edwards jersey. Go ahead, try to act surprised.


Punk said...

Your story is hilarious, and I will attest that our family indeed is unable to keep secrets. Something about brain-to-mouth filters that are genetically altered or something. Plus there's the whole deception side of it. We don't do deception very well, do we?

Sounds like the BBSTC had a fantastic time at the game. I'm glad you did!

Punk said...

Oh, hey, as I'm the only one commenting today, I feel compelled to write more.

Do you realize that August is almost over? Do you have plans for your profile pic and blog header/ banner thingy?

Inquiring minds what to know (little cliche for your weekend enjoyment).