The Return Of The Overshare

It's been awhile since I talked about inappropriate things here. It's been all sports and homeschooling. Enough of that G rated blogging. Let's talk about sex.

This weekend Matt and Ryan were discussing someone else's sex life. (I don't know why, you'd have to ask one of them.) I interjected because I disagreed with the conclusion of the discussion. They said that the amount of sex that married couples have is less than that of unmarried couples. I, on the other hand, think it has to do with the married couple. Some couples are simply more amourous than others. There's also the often overlooked quantity vs. quality argument, but I'm not going to go there....today.

Matt was saying that we don't have as much sex as when we first got married. (aw, poor Matt, go ahead and feel bad for him if you want, he stills "gets" plenty. He's just a whiner.) I then pointed out that WE HAVE KIDS. For those of you not in the know, kids have a way of knocking the horny right out of you. Ryan, would be one of those that fall in the "not in the know" category. He simply rolled his eyes at my "we have kids, excuse" and said, "They go to bed."

Yes, yes they do, Ryan. This is how sex after the kids go to bed works. (disclaimer: this story is no doubt based on fact.)

One night after Matt and I tucked the kids into bed we decided that we might like to enjoy some "time alone" ( not sure why I didn't say we decided to have sex since I've already made it clear but humor me.) So we're on the other side of the house "warming up" (once more humor me.) and we hear Bella yelling.

Bella: WE LEFT THE MILK ON THE COUNTER. THE CAT WILL GET IT.

Since I was unwilling to leave me current "situation" I responded,

Me: DON'T WORRY. I'LL PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE.

Bella: DON'T LET THE CAT GET IT.

Me: DON'T WORRY. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

We've been parents for a little over five years so we know that if we want to have sex we can't let these little interuptions throw our moods. The milk could wait and even if the cat got to it, I have more milk in the fridge.

We forged on.

I hear Bella again. She's yelling and sounds a little panicked. So we stop and listen:

Bella:  WHERE'S MY HEADBAND?

Bella: MOM!!! WHERE'S MY HEADBAND?

Mind you she's in bed and doesn't need her headband nor is it actually important enough to freak out about but she's freaking out so I yell back (still unwilling to leave my post),

Me: ON THE COMPUTER DESK.

Bella: WHAT?

Me: ON THE COMPUTER DESK.

Bella: WHAT?

Me: ON THE COMPUTER DESK.

Bella: OK

Silence. We are alone at last and I don't know about you but all this yelling back and forth to my five year old about her headband and chocolate milk has me all in the mood. It's every bit as romantic and sexy as watching The Notebook.

Not that I'm complaining, it could be worse. Way worse. I could be allergic to semen. Seriously, how much would that suck? I feel bad for women with this disorder. I should wear a wristband or something to show my concern. I wonder what color wristband a semen allergy awareness supporter should wear?

Pop quiz: I shared this story with you tonight

A. To help you understand what sex is like once you have kids

B. To help you get into the mood.

C. Because I'm classless and lack any dignity whatsoever.

8 comments:

Punk said...

I want to comment.

But... our parents read this.

But...

UGH. FINE. Mom, Dad, you're reading this at your own risk.

First, let me say ABSTINENT UNTIL MARRIAGE. Right there, the initial argument is brushed aside. Something is always more than nothing.

Second, after this many years of marriage, kids or not, the relationship is stronger; the intimacy is more profound. Sex is part of that, but there's more to it than mere physicality (yes, that's a real word; I even looked it up).

Third, we were novices in the beginning, and I was still in college, involved in the IVCF, and then pregnant, then *bam* Chahead. So we weren't exactly bunny-like. Now is better. Ahem. You know what I mean.

So. Yeah.

Mister of mine? Sorry.

Missy said...

I agree, now is better. After years together I'm happy to be with my husband, someone who knows me and what I like.
I not only don't envy those who have had multiple partners I don't understand why anyone would want that lifestyle.

Long live the overshare. :)

Sara @ The Football Wife said...

a & b

Let's not forget that wrestling with babies all day wears a girl out. The last thing on my mind is "what's always on his mind".

But ya gotta give it up every now & again. Plus, it really does make everybody happy. ;)

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

ooh, I know this one. The answer is a. It's amazing how things change.

Grand Pooba said...

Ok, can I choose all of the above? lol

This post cracked me up, if my husband were to read this post, we would never have children.

Ever.

Luckily he doesn't blog so I'm safe.

(And I know you and your husband totally did it that night.)

Dione said...

I woke up to this morning to my husband making the moves on me - I realized that my legs were cramped because of a kid sleeping at my feet. Our toddler was sleeping to my right and our 13 year old (who is afraid of everything) had crawled into our room during the night and was snoring on the floor at the side of our bed. That's 3 out of our 7 children sleeping in our room.

What I don't get is why he didn't get that he wasn't gettin' any this morning!

Missy said...

Dione, my guess is that after this many years of having kids he just thought he'd "forge on"

Punk said...

I feel compelled to add a comment a month late to simply state that WE WERE INTERRUPTED AT 2 IN THE MORNING! "Kids go to bed," Ryan? I'M PUTTING THEM TO BED AT YOUR HOUSE.