What My Christmas Letter Would Look Like If My Life Was Based On The Show Private Practice

Dear Friends,


    As you can imagine, I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant even though I was sleeping with two men. I wasn't sure if the baby was my co-worker's (the acupuncturist) or my boyfriend's. Fortunately they were both great about it and decided to share fatherhood responsibilities. Saved me a bunch of money on the paternity test actually. Just as we were getting that all sorted out my best friend (you remember her, the Fertility Specialist) starting sleeping with my brother and he was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor. Thank God my ex-husband is a world re known Neuro Surgeon. All better.

The stress of dating my brother behind my back and dealing with his tumor and their subsequent break-up must have been too much for her because she accidentally implanted two of our patients with each others babies. Whoops-a-daisy.

The excitement never stops over here, just as we were getting all the baby mama drama straightened out, one of our other patients stopped by my place and performed and unnecessary C-section on me and stole my baby. I almost died, but don't worry about us. I've made a full and speedy recovery and someone returned my baby to me. So it's all good.

I really can't complain. At least I'm not that single father with two daughters that stopped by our practice. One of his daughters was really sick and dying and if he decided to go in and comfort her during her dying hours he would catch what she had and die as well leaving his healthy daughter with no one to care for her. Such a decision. He chose to die. That day sucked. Oh, that reminds me I should purchase a new toy to donate to Toys for Tots so that lonely orphaned child gets something under the tree.

Earlier today, I was hiking in the desert with one of my co-workers, I'm not sure what he does at the Practice. General medicine maybe. He's always there, just not sure what he's doing. Anyway, we were hiking and I was telling him how much I miss sex when we stumbled upon an injured man and his pregnant wife. Apparently these two lovebirds had accidentally driven off a cliff and she was stuck in the car. Of course she was due today. Some people will stop at nothing for free medical care. Naturally, since I'm a world re known OBGYN, I had to deliver the baby in the car. It wasn't easy since the car kept falling further and further down the hill while we were in it and the pregnant lady kept freaking out. Seriously at one point I said to her, "We are both scared, but if you don't listen to me and do what I say, you will die." She shut-up after that. Then I rocked that delivery.

Well I guess that's about it for this year. Nothing too crazy, just much of the same as last year. Have a safe and healthy holidays, but if you can't then call me at 1-800-IMAMAZING and my friends and I'll will swing by and save your life. Miss you all.


Merry Christmas

6 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

You forgot that the pregnant woman died after all that!

Missy said...

I didn't actually watch the show. I refuse to watch it anymore but I saw the promo and based the paragraph off of that. Matt did inform me afterwards that she died though. I should have known, there are no happy endings on Private Practice.

Mr. Punk said...

Sounds to me like "Private Practice" is the perfect name for this show. I'm partial to "Grey's Anatomy" myself.

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

sadly, you managed to get the gist without wasting an hour of your life watching it. . .unlike some people. You do realize the christmas card would sound a little different if it were like the ones I get. You know, "Little Jimmy is enjoying his time working for the government" without, of course, mentioning the fact that he's making license plates while in the pen. . .

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my god that was the funniest thing ever! Seriously, especially the part where you described the whole unnecisary c-section thing as no big deal. lol

(I hate those Christmas letters! It's just an excuse for people to brag, I'd like to get a real one someday that explains real stuff like Johnny's divorce and how Suzie is in jail. That's the kind of card I would read!)

Jessica and Jason said...

This was one of the funniest posts I've read in a very long time. I'm so linking up to your blog. :)