So I'm torn. I said the other day that I wasn't going to delve into the awfulness of this miscarriage. That was more for your well-being than my own. We've already established that I'm the queen of the over share so it doesn't bother me at all to talk about the goriest and most personal of things. I just kinda start to feel bad for you, the diligent reader of my nonsense.
Today I'm going to fall back onto the wisdom of Homegirl and just write what is of interest to me. By the time I'm done, you'll probably wish I was talking about football.
I had a follow-up ultrasound today. Turns out this pregnancy just won't let go, so in for a D&C I went. My Doctor, Captain Legos (I'm not knocking him; it's a play on his actual name.), came in to perform the procedure and started asking me questions that made me cry. When I began to pull myself together (I'm not opposed to crying. I just prefer not to lose it in public), he said, "It's OK to cry; you're only human."
Right you are, Captain Legos. I am only human. I suspect (based on previous contact) that I understand this better than you. I not only understand sin nature, I understand and accept the consequences of it. Not to say that I believe that these miscarriages have been a direct result of my own personal indiscretions (I'm a tad egocentric but really, I'm not that bad), but just that life is hard, beastly even.
Part of me wondered if Captain Legos had conferred with some of the other office staff. I have, on occasion, gotten the impression that I'm not handling this the way they're used to. Maybe they thought I'd yell and throw things or cry and say how unfair life is.
Here is why I haven't.
In spite of my eyes being wide open to the beastliness of life, it's brutality, my eyes are also wide open to the beauty of it. When Punk and I were kids, she had a poster that said something to the effect of "We miss so much of life's silver lining waiting for the gold." I think this must be true because lately everyone has been telling me how much my life sucks or how sorry they feel for me.
I realize that lately I mostly blog about sad or depressing things and this might lead you to think that I too feel my life sucks or that others should pity me. The truth is a lot of really beautiful and amazing things happen to me throughout the course of a day, but mostly they are too small to put into a blog. Things like my 3 and 5 year olds having a conversation about Michael Jackson's life and music while strapped into their carseats. Seriously, that happened. Or Bella proudly displaying how much skin she lost when she fell down at Grandma's. Or Braden getting to pee on a tree for the first time ever and how excited he was and how he leaned in too close and was the recipient of some pretty nasty backsplash. I totally laughed. It was a beautiful pee-filled moment. Or how when I told Coach that I'm not sure if I'm ready to get pregnant again at this point and braced myself for a "get back on the horse" type speech, he simply said, "We can take as long as you need."
That is beauty and love in eight words.
Here it is. The reason that so many tiny, seemingly insignificant things that surround us are filled with beauty and love: because no matter what role God plays in your life, if you claim to believe in Him or not, if you consider Him in the decisions that you make in your life or not, even if you take Him for granted, He loves you. For that one simple reason, He has surrounded you with His love and beauty in this beastly world.
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