The Beauty In The Beast

So I'm torn. I said the other day that I wasn't going to delve into the awfulness of this miscarriage. That was more for your well-being than my own. We've already established that I'm the queen of the over share so it doesn't bother me at all to talk about the goriest and most personal of things. I just kinda start to feel bad for you, the diligent reader of my nonsense.
Today I'm going to fall back onto the wisdom of Homegirl and just write what is of interest to me. By the time I'm done, you'll probably wish I was talking about football.

I had a follow-up ultrasound today. Turns out this pregnancy just won't let go, so in for a D&C I went. My Doctor, Captain Legos (I'm not knocking him; it's a play on his actual name.), came in to perform the procedure and started asking me questions that made me cry. When I began to pull myself together (I'm not opposed to crying. I just prefer not to lose it in public), he said, "It's OK to cry; you're only human."
Right you are, Captain Legos. I am only human. I suspect (based on previous contact) that I understand this better than you. I not only understand sin nature, I understand and accept the consequences of it. Not to say that I believe that these miscarriages have been a direct result of my own personal indiscretions (I'm a tad egocentric but really, I'm not that bad), but just that life is hard, beastly even.
Part of me wondered if Captain Legos had conferred with some of the other office staff. I have, on occasion, gotten the impression that I'm not handling this the way they're used to. Maybe they thought I'd yell and throw things or cry and say how unfair life is.

Here is why I haven't.

In spite of my eyes being wide open to the beastliness of life, it's brutality, my eyes are also wide open to the beauty of it. When Punk and I were kids, she had a poster that said something to the effect of "We miss so much of life's silver lining waiting for the gold." I think this must be true because lately everyone has been telling me how much my life sucks or how sorry they feel for me.

I realize that lately I mostly blog about sad or depressing things and this might lead you to think that I too feel my life sucks or that others should pity me. The truth is a lot of really beautiful and amazing things happen to me throughout the course of a day, but mostly they are too small to put into a blog. Things like my 3 and 5 year olds having a conversation about Michael Jackson's life and music while strapped into their carseats. Seriously, that happened. Or Bella proudly displaying how much skin she lost when she fell down at Grandma's. Or Braden getting to pee on a tree for the first time ever and how excited he was and how he leaned in too close and was the recipient of some pretty nasty backsplash. I totally laughed. It was a beautiful pee-filled moment. Or how when I told Coach that I'm not sure if I'm ready to get pregnant again at this point and braced myself for a "get back on the horse" type speech, he simply said, "We can take as long as you need."

That is beauty and love in eight words.

Here it is. The reason that so many tiny, seemingly insignificant things that surround us are filled with beauty and love: because no matter what role God plays in your life, if you claim to believe in Him or not, if you consider Him in the decisions that you make in your life or not, even if you take Him for granted, He loves you. For that one simple reason, He has surrounded you with His love and beauty in this beastly world.

Perspective

Prior to this past weekend's wedding, I was privy to information about the bride and groom's relationship that was frankly, none of my business. This information came to me much like information comes through the game telephone. It was colored and changed by each "whisperers" perspective of the situation.
On the morning of the wedding, however, I had the opportunity to visit with the bride when I dropped Bella off to get her hair done before the big event. It was truly refreshing to see things from her perspective. While their relationship is so very different from Coach and mine, it was very clear that she loves him and that she wants to do whatever it takes to help him in life.
Several years ago Coach's and my lives took a sharp turn; life went from blissful and easy to difficult and trying. I was pregnant for our first baby, he was sick and his doctor took him out of work, then he lost his job altogether. It was certainly one of the most difficult times in my life. Around the same time that all of this was going on, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I watched as my grandparents sold their house and moved in with my parents, placing their plans of moving to Florida on hold. I watched as the plans they had made together faded away with her life. I thought about how over the years they had together there were many ups and downs, much like a roller coaster. In my mind each of our lives is a bit like a roller coaster. The ride can be exhilarating or terrifying, or maybe even a little of both, it really all depends on your perspective.
I've always been more of an optimist, the glass half full girl. As a result, I can see the beauty in not only the peaks but also in the valleys. As hard as it might be to believe, I'm grateful that life consists of both. We learn so much about ourselves in the valleys; hopefully what we learn helps us to grow and become better people. The peaks are a reward for the perseverance and hard work you put in to climb out of the valley. It's a cycle we repeat throughout our lives.
Over the past few years Coach and I have been climbing our way out of that valley. We've experienced a few peaks along the way but still there was the climb. Slowly over time things have gotten easier and easier for us. I know that our life together will bring us more valleys but I'm good with that because Coach is in the valley with me. I honestly believe with my whole heart that whether you are at the beginning of a marriage or the end of one or even right smack-dab in the middle it is a great privilege to experience the highs and lows of life with the person you love.

How to Pray

My dad just turned 54 last week and we finally got him to go for that pesky colonoscopy. Only four years late but hey at least we got him to go. It turns out he had 5 large polyps in his colon. They removed them all and are sending them for testing. I would imagine that it takes a week or so to get results on such a test. Then we'll find out if they are cancerous or not.
Tonight I was snuggling Braden while he was falling asleep and I started to pray. My instinct was to pray that nothing is cancerous and we move forward 5 polyps lighter and cancer free. But then I paused. I was conflicted about how to pray. I see no shame or wrong doing in praying for what you want, but I believe that we are to seek God's will for our lives. What if what I want doesn't line up with the will of God? How do you pray then?
The truth is I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives. He clearly tells us so in the Bible. He even goes so far as to reassure us that His "plans are for good and not for evil". He doesn't necessarily say they are for our purposes or that they are even what we would interpret as good. His good might be a greater plan that we cannot see. One that shines a light on His glory. One that requires faith to find. God's purposes are often most clearly seen in the greatest of trials, whether it be cancer/sickness or loss or any other struggle we thought we didn't want. God has a purpose and in time those purposes will be revealed.
So I chose to pray that God would use this situation for His glory. I know that my parents would want nothing less.
In my own life, I've been having a terrible time forgiving someone in my family. The truth is I'm totally justified in my anger and hurt feelings but I know that God wants me to persevere through the difficulty of the situation and forgive and move forward with love for this person. A love I've so generously been given from Him in spite of myself and my choices.
And so we persevere and pray. In faith, with love for God's will.