Muffin Tops Are The New Sexy

I have successfully gained almost 20lbs this year. You may applaud. It wasn't easy. It took dedication, two pregnancies, one expired gym membership and a whole lot of chicken wings, but I managed to get back up to a positively fat weight. Last week Punk says to me that she's going to start going back to the gym, what am I doing? This is how we motivate ourselves, we encourage the other one to torture themselves with exercise so that we aren't the only one all sweaty and achy and crying on weigh-in day.

Ideally I'd like to sign back up at my gym, but their daycare hours are when I homeschool and none of the other local gyms have daycare. I'll probably end up with membership somewhere else but since I'm going away to visit Punk in January I'll no doubt wait until February to start paying someone to fix me. What should I do in the meantime? Enter Gabrielle Reese and her "On-the-Go Thigh Toning Workout".

I stumbled on this article on Thursday while I was teaching Bella how to surf the Internet for pictures of hot guys. (It's right after our class on staring) The article boasts that I will be able to build a long and graceful body like that of a dancer by performing this mere twenty minutes of lower body work everyday. Because I'm clearly psychotic in need of extra help I decided to add in 150 crunches per day and as many push-ups as I could convince myself are necessary. (they have not been necessary everyday)

 For the last four days I have used the "On-the Go Thigh Toning Workout" which includes these exercises:

I'm sure you are having a hard time figuring out if that's me or Gabrielle Reese demonstrating the workout. It's an understandable confusion since I'm so tall and blond. The dead giveaway here is that Gabby (that's what I call her) can only lift her leg as high as she did in the above picture and I'm so flexible that I frequently kick myself in the head.

I find this particular lungey type move useful in many other areas of my life besides thigh toning. For example, if you should ever find yourself in a fight strike this pose and yell, "You wanna piece of this?" or simply "WHAT?"  It's also excellent if you are trying to attract the opposite sex by flashing a little cleavage. Just be sure that you have a good sports bra on or one of those babies is liable to pop out and you don't want to seem too desperate.

So like I said I'm four days into this lower body/crunches/occasional upper body workout regime and I thought for sure I would have lost those pesky 20 lbs by now. However even though I'm getting pretty sore, I'm still sporting that sexy muffin top. I suppose the workout might be more effective if I subscribed to Kate Moss' "Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels" nutrition program. My only hesitation is that I'm pretty sure that the nutrition program includes doing a line of coke for breakfast, a line of coke for lunch and a sensible (side salad) dinner and I already have enough white powdery substances in my kitchen. What if I snorted confectionary sugar by accident? I might get the same rush but the calorie count in cocaine is so much lower. I'm going to go and have a bowl of ice cream while I sort out this issue.