Muffin Tops Are The New Sexy

I have successfully gained almost 20lbs this year. You may applaud. It wasn't easy. It took dedication, two pregnancies, one expired gym membership and a whole lot of chicken wings, but I managed to get back up to a positively fat weight. Last week Punk says to me that she's going to start going back to the gym, what am I doing? This is how we motivate ourselves, we encourage the other one to torture themselves with exercise so that we aren't the only one all sweaty and achy and crying on weigh-in day.

Ideally I'd like to sign back up at my gym, but their daycare hours are when I homeschool and none of the other local gyms have daycare. I'll probably end up with membership somewhere else but since I'm going away to visit Punk in January I'll no doubt wait until February to start paying someone to fix me. What should I do in the meantime? Enter Gabrielle Reese and her "On-the-Go Thigh Toning Workout".

I stumbled on this article on Thursday while I was teaching Bella how to surf the Internet for pictures of hot guys. (It's right after our class on staring) The article boasts that I will be able to build a long and graceful body like that of a dancer by performing this mere twenty minutes of lower body work everyday. Because I'm clearly psychotic in need of extra help I decided to add in 150 crunches per day and as many push-ups as I could convince myself are necessary. (they have not been necessary everyday)

 For the last four days I have used the "On-the Go Thigh Toning Workout" which includes these exercises:



I'm sure you are having a hard time figuring out if that's me or Gabrielle Reese demonstrating the workout. It's an understandable confusion since I'm so tall and blond. The dead giveaway here is that Gabby (that's what I call her) can only lift her leg as high as she did in the above picture and I'm so flexible that I frequently kick myself in the head.


I find this particular lungey type move useful in many other areas of my life besides thigh toning. For example, if you should ever find yourself in a fight strike this pose and yell, "You wanna piece of this?" or simply "WHAT?"  It's also excellent if you are trying to attract the opposite sex by flashing a little cleavage. Just be sure that you have a good sports bra on or one of those babies is liable to pop out and you don't want to seem too desperate.

So like I said I'm four days into this lower body/crunches/occasional upper body workout regime and I thought for sure I would have lost those pesky 20 lbs by now. However even though I'm getting pretty sore, I'm still sporting that sexy muffin top. I suppose the workout might be more effective if I subscribed to Kate Moss' "Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels" nutrition program. My only hesitation is that I'm pretty sure that the nutrition program includes doing a line of coke for breakfast, a line of coke for lunch and a sensible (side salad) dinner and I already have enough white powdery substances in my kitchen. What if I snorted confectionary sugar by accident? I might get the same rush but the calorie count in cocaine is so much lower. I'm going to go and have a bowl of ice cream while I sort out this issue.

22 comments:

Punk said...

First!

The Boob Nazi said...

I'm doing the "eat less" and then exercise after I lose weight. I've read studies saying that diet modification is more important than working out. So I'm trying that.

Bombshell BLISS said...

Oh my, I laughed until I cried. You are hysterical. I must stalk...ok, I mean follow you now. Too funny!

kristibonney said...

I am so glad that I found your blog on SITS. You are hilarious! I love the workout program, especially the part that involves icecream. The actual working out to skinny Gabby? Not so much.
Stopping by from SITS...

Dione said...

If you're looking for that good excuse not to work out... since I've started walking 4 miles a day/3-1 days a week I've gained 10 pounds.

I'm considering changing my diet.

Cori said...

I greatly appreciate the tips on how to call some one out just before a fight. Often I find myself in rough and tumbles with no intimidating move to bust out with. Now, they will all know to fear me before I even dropkick them in the face.

BLOGitse said...

Good for you!
My motto: don't eat more than you consume. Works for me.
Sunny SITS greetings from Cairo! :)

Judy said...

It's a constant battle, isn't it? Just keep moving.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Hi, stopping in from SITS. You are too funny. Ever think about a personal trainer? It's worked wonders for my 44 year old body. If not, babies love long walks in strollers! Good luck and thanks for a good laugh too.

Shell said...

That was hilarious! Stopping in from SITS and glad I did. I needed that laugh.

Our gym's childcare hours are 4 hours in the morning- and you don't have to stay at the gym during that time. So, all I'm motivated to do is drop my kids off and then go home for some peace and quiet.

Melissa Papaj Photography said...

Good luck! Weight loss is always an awful battle that we all seem to fight until the day we die :) Found you on SITS :)

P.S. I love my wii fit!

Punk said...

And twelfth!

Today on Nobodylistenstothegirl: Working Out While Not Sleeping (or How My Body Is Killing Me Before My Time)

Between my vampiric schedule, my nonsleeping child & actual insomnia, I find I have to psych myself out to even bother to get out of bed. Today, the psych out went along the lines of "It's not like you're sleeping. Is laying here, feeling guilty for not going to the gym really going to make you feel any better, let alone rested? NO. And you only have to be there for 1/2 hr. Promise."

I got up.

I love all the advice from the SITS sisters and your regular readers. What great supporters you have, sister-friend!

Christina said...

I just found your site via SITS, and this post was an awesome introduction!

I too am hesitant to follow the Kate Moss Meal Plan, but have had great luck with Shop When You're Hungry diet. I always end up buying foods that don't go together (but sound AMAZING while I"m there), and eating string cheese for lunch. ;-)

Cristina said...

YEAH! This is what I needed on Monday morning - a swift kick in the muffin top.

Seriously, I just bought the 30 day shred with Hubby. What did he say when I popped it into the cart? Why are you getting that? Is this a new type of porn for us to watch, cuz you know you ain't doing it.

That was a week ago.

I hate to exercise.

Popped in from SITS, rather lazily, because like I said - I HATE EXERCISE - is there another way to get rid of my best friend cottage cheese?

xx

Cristina

Amber Page Writes said...

I only have one pregnancy under my belt, but I'm still carrying 20 of those pregnancy pounds!

I might have to adhere to the Kate Moss diet...except I don't think I could afford all that cocaine.

It's expensive, isn't it?

Stopping by from SITS, and I'm glad I did.

Sara @ The Football Wife said...

Missy,

I will find a million & one reasons NOT to join the gym. The hubs is offering me a Y membership ($93 a month!) for Christmas -- think he's trying to tell me something?!

American in Norway said...

LMAO... great post! I sooo hear you. Popping by via SITS.. Happy Monday! : )

KT said...

stopping by from SITS. I told my husband that I think I am gaining weight and he said it's biological and the metabolism slows down in the winter. So from now on, I'm just referring to it as my winter padding!

Katie

Brandie said...

Stopping by from Sits...love the Kate Moss reference. I heard that disturbing quote this week, too. Enjoyed the visit!

Alex Fitzpatrick aka Ma What's 4 Dinner said...

You are hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh. I swear if it wasn't for these damn kids my ass would be much smaller too! :)

Thanks for stopping my blog. I'm digging yours too!

Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner?
www.MaWhats4Dinner.com

coach said...

I believe a heavy dose of reubens and chips is all i need to lose 30 pounds. I am so pathetic these days that I checked on the work menu to see if a Reuben was there and sure enough THURSDAY honey. I guess I will have to eat fiber the rest of the week HEAVILY!

Anti-Supermom said...

Those Darn Christmas cookies are stuck to my a$$, so I'm feeling your pain.

This post was hilarious, the pictures too.