Mom, I'm Sorry. On Second Thought, Mom, Just Skip This Post Completely.

So the "Cheers Mate" award is in the works. I'm not playing around. Leave a comment. Link to your most irreverent post. You could win a graphically altered photo that's been shrunk down to button size. I know. You're excited. It's completely understandable.

It occurs to me that my mom stops by this blog every morning to see how I'm doing and get a giggle, but today I have taken that from her. So mom (and everyone else that doesn't like to read my overshares), click the word Pooba to read Pooba's Guide To Surviving Your Colonoscopy. It'll give you the comic relief your life so deserves.

For the rest of you, let's talk statistics. I bet that's not where you thought I was going with this post. I wanted to share two statistics with you. I'm not really sure that first is a statistic. (I barely passed Statistics.) When I was like 17ish I heard that boys think about sex once every three seconds and girls think about it once every ten seconds. I was completely caught off guard by this. I hardly ever thought about sex. I definitely didn't think about it every ten seconds and every three seconds...is that even possible? They weren't kidding when they said it was all boys thought about.

The second little bit of information is a more commonly passed around tidbit, which is that women hit their sexual prime in their thirties. I am now 29 years and 8 months old and if this past week is any indication of what my thirties hold, so help me God. I'm starting to believe that thinking about sex once every three seconds isn't that often and only once every ten seconds sounds like, well, never.

I require no outside stimulation either. I could be standing in line at the Wal-Mart and the woman in front of me could be an obese woman with unkempt hair and dirty sweatpants with a Cheeto stuck to her butt and her husband could give off a smell that resembled a mix of B.O., battery fluid and dead opossum and I'd be all, "You know what I could go for?" (I'll give you a hint, it's not Cheetos) And just like that it comes on, like a horny hot flash. The lights become blinding, the sounds around me dull and my brain starts to scream at me. "WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND AND WHY ARE HIS PANTS STILL ON?" Then I start to think about how Matt will be home at 4:00 and wonder if 4:30 is an acceptable bedtime for my kids.

I can understand how from the outside looking in this kind of thing might sound awesome. It's not. I honestly feel like I could go crazy from this. STRAIGHT CRAZY. The idea of spending an entire decade in this sex  hyperdrive makes me feel like weeping. Seriously. Like outright weeping and possible gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes. Shoot. That was supposed to be a Bible reference. Ugh.

In preparation of the ten year battle I'll apparently be having with my sex drive I've begun to compile a list of ways to kill the mood.

1) Keep a picture of Mickey Rourke within arm's length at all times.


Did you just throw up in your mouth a little too?

2) Play video games. There's a reason that the boys in high school/college that played massive amounts of video games didn't have girlfriends. They were focused on achieving a goal of higher importance, such as saving Princess Peach, than acquiring a lady friend.

3) Avoid Wal-Mart, dirty people, fat people, smelly people and above all else, Cheetos.

4) Think about cat vomit. This tactic might only throw me off the scent for a minute or two but I'll take what I can get.

5) Lobotomy

I'm not sure this list will get me through the decade so I'm open to suggestions.

14 comments:

Punk said...

The vomiting *bleeegh* won't *bleeurgh* stop. *Gack* *Gasp* *Bluuuuurgh*

Christy said...

i feel a bit too G...but this is my most irreverent post ever. my mom and my mom's friends read my blog...which is why i try and keep it clean..
but i will give you this one...

http://fudgeripple.blogspot.com/2009/07/no-if-ands-or-butts.html

The Boob Nazi said...

hahahaha I love posts like this.

Dione said...

Darn! I was hoping Cheers Mate would have made his appearance by now...

I will never look at Flaming Hot Cheetos the same way ever again!

I'm going to go hum my favorite hymn now ;)

Spot On Your Pants said...

OMG...somebody took the last train to Clarksville, didn't they?!? (swallowing chunks back down) We were just having this "how many times do men/women think about sex" conversation last week with some friends. then we all wend off to find the best porn sites ever. deduction = videos are in, pictures are so 1990s. i think about what lives under the rim of the toilet bowl at gas station bathrooms. that helps me! so, the award....hm...http://www.spotonyourpants.com/2010/01/toilet-humor.html (Toilet Humor will at least stay on topic.)

The Godfather said...

the thought of you and my brother having sex to kick off this tuesday morning?

pretty cool i guess.........coooooool

just call me jo said...

The post does not offend, but...I'm well past the 30's and at no age did I ever have your "situation." Thankfully so, I feel. It just never enters my mind much to my husband's dismay. Good luck, dearie.

foxy said...

Well, I'm 37 now and I'm telling you I had that same wave of sex, sex, sex late last year. It was really strange my husband and I were both like WHAAAAT??? Not that he minded really, but it was def out of the ordinary. But then it was gone and the old me was back. It lasted all of a month. But rest assured, I DO know how you feel.

Sarah and the Gentlemen said...

I thought is was 3 seconds to 10 minutes or more...

That's probaby why my husband doesn't think he mentions it too often. He's quelling it the majority of the time in his mind.

TOWR said...

At least you have an outlet! Try being 29 years, 8 months, and 14 days old and SINGLE! I swear, sometimes I'm ready to climb the walls with my fingernails.

Mickey Rourke, he gives me nightmares. **shiver**

Anonymous said...

Didn't I teach you as a child that private things should remain just that?? Mom

Papajimmy said...

Perhaps you should try to remember that some things are better left unsaid. You can't imagine how thrilled I am to see my daughter's private life out there for all to see.

Anti-Supermom said...

I *did* jsut vomit in my mouth a little, thank you very much!

I like to keep pictures of ugly men with me at all time too ;)

Hilarious post.

Amanda said...

You are you doggone funny!

I have to admit that I feel this way too sometimes...it's like suddenly and for no reason I'm ready to go. I'm 29 and 6 months so I feel your pain.