Shaun White, Would You Please Save Us From Curling, Luge And Men's Figure Skating?

Matt and I haven't watched as much Olympics as usual due to all the movies we've been torturing ourselves with enjoying. We decided to take a break from the movies tonight to appreciate some International competition.

Why tonight, you ask? (OK so you don't care why tonight, but just play along)

The answer to "your" question is U.S.A. Woman's curling of course. We'd never dream of missing it. It's a wildly intense sport. I will now do you the service of recapping the tenth end (I'm assuming that means a round of some kind) between our U.S. women and the Japanese women.

The Japanese are up one point. I have no idea how points are scored but the U.S. needs to score. Both teams have only one time-out remaining. Let's observe.

Both teams slide a bunch of "rocks" (those round thingys they slide down the ice). I have lost count and am uncertain how many they are supposed to slide.

Oh only two rocks left for our U.S. girls. I know this because according to our announcers, Debbie McCormick (I'm uncertain if this is how you spell her last name, but can't bring myself to look it up) loves the pressure of the last two rocks. She's a lefty and we all know what that means. (yeah me either)

Debbie slides the rock.

Oh, Debbie's not happy. Her rock hung on her. (I'm so lost)

Japan is sending their last rock and they put it on the button. (I'm pretty sure that means the middle of that ice target.)

From the sounds of the crowd it would appear that the Canadians have just finished off the Swiss. Man those Canadians love their ice sports.

The intensity is palpable. I might have dozed off.

Now the U.S. is stratigizing. Why don't we learn a foreign language like everyone else so no one can steal our strategies? I can't understand a word the Japanese are saying when they stratigize.

The U.S. has sent it's last rock and it's a close one, a real nail biter, girls and boys. The officials are out on the ice with measuring sticks. (for real) This is every bit as tantalizing as that story I told you about expired medications.

Oh what a dramatic finish! After much sweeping and, um, sliding of rocks the Japanese have beaten us by a hair.

How can we ever show our faces at a curling event again? Oh the shame.

Next up, a sport I'm infinitely more familiar with, women's luge. I used the commercial break between curling and luge to properly prepare myself for this event. I changed into my luge gear. I'm so glad I joined the gym, those spandex unitards can be so unforgiving. I settled in to watch woman hurl themselves down an ice slide on a tiny sled at ungodly speeds. They zoomed past the Vancouver 2010 etched into the ice and I couldn't pull my eyes away from the T.V. (I zoned briefly). I noticed that the event had ended with the most unattractive girl winning. (Take that, Hollywood)

I then changed into my jeans to watch women's snowboarding. Wait, what? Denim and snow? That doesn't make any sense. Who made this fashion choice? Wow, don't our U.S. snowboarders look so much cooler then the other countries in their snow pants? Who wears snow pants to snowboard anymore?

Disgusted I changed back into my unitard.

Finally, I grabbed a box of tissues to watch the Men's Single Ice Skating.

A man glided out onto the ice in Jessica Simpson style high waisted pants and a sparkly sequin top that I'm pretty sure he made using his bedazzler.

I vomited.

I cleaned myself up using the tissues. I knew they'd come in handy.

In closing I'd like to say,

Dear God,
Please let Shaun White not suck tomorrow. I could really use some good news after witnessing the curling loss and then the Germans taking the luge from us. Everyone knows that the luge has always been a big U.S. event. Oh it hasn't? Sorry, God. Still the whole Shaun White thing, please.