Shaun White, Would You Please Save Us From Curling, Luge And Men's Figure Skating?

Matt and I haven't watched as much Olympics as usual due to all the movies we've been torturing ourselves with enjoying. We decided to take a break from the movies tonight to appreciate some International competition.

Why tonight, you ask? (OK so you don't care why tonight, but just play along)

The answer to "your" question is U.S.A. Woman's curling of course. We'd never dream of missing it. It's a wildly intense sport. I will now do you the service of recapping the tenth end (I'm assuming that means a round of some kind) between our U.S. women and the Japanese women.

The Japanese are up one point. I have no idea how points are scored but the U.S. needs to score. Both teams have only one time-out remaining. Let's observe.

Both teams slide a bunch of "rocks" (those round thingys they slide down the ice). I have lost count and am uncertain how many they are supposed to slide.

Oh only two rocks left for our U.S. girls. I know this because according to our announcers, Debbie McCormick (I'm uncertain if this is how you spell her last name, but can't bring myself to look it up) loves the pressure of the last two rocks. She's a lefty and we all know what that means. (yeah me either)

Debbie slides the rock.

Oh, Debbie's not happy. Her rock hung on her. (I'm so lost)

Japan is sending their last rock and they put it on the button. (I'm pretty sure that means the middle of that ice target.)

From the sounds of the crowd it would appear that the Canadians have just finished off the Swiss. Man those Canadians love their ice sports.

The intensity is palpable. I might have dozed off.

Now the U.S. is stratigizing. Why don't we learn a foreign language like everyone else so no one can steal our strategies? I can't understand a word the Japanese are saying when they stratigize.

The U.S. has sent it's last rock and it's a close one, a real nail biter, girls and boys. The officials are out on the ice with measuring sticks. (for real) This is every bit as tantalizing as that story I told you about expired medications.

Oh what a dramatic finish! After much sweeping and, um, sliding of rocks the Japanese have beaten us by a hair.

How can we ever show our faces at a curling event again? Oh the shame.

Next up, a sport I'm infinitely more familiar with, women's luge. I used the commercial break between curling and luge to properly prepare myself for this event. I changed into my luge gear. I'm so glad I joined the gym, those spandex unitards can be so unforgiving. I settled in to watch woman hurl themselves down an ice slide on a tiny sled at ungodly speeds. They zoomed past the Vancouver 2010 etched into the ice and I couldn't pull my eyes away from the T.V. (I zoned briefly). I noticed that the event had ended with the most unattractive girl winning. (Take that, Hollywood)

I then changed into my jeans to watch women's snowboarding. Wait, what? Denim and snow? That doesn't make any sense. Who made this fashion choice? Wow, don't our U.S. snowboarders look so much cooler then the other countries in their snow pants? Who wears snow pants to snowboard anymore?

Disgusted I changed back into my unitard.

Finally, I grabbed a box of tissues to watch the Men's Single Ice Skating.

A man glided out onto the ice in Jessica Simpson style high waisted pants and a sparkly sequin top that I'm pretty sure he made using his bedazzler.

I vomited.

I cleaned myself up using the tissues. I knew they'd come in handy.

In closing I'd like to say,

Dear God,
Please let Shaun White not suck tomorrow. I could really use some good news after witnessing the curling loss and then the Germans taking the luge from us. Everyone knows that the luge has always been a big U.S. event. Oh it hasn't? Sorry, God. Still the whole Shaun White thing, please.

14 comments:

Dione said...

What? The Olympics are on? And, who's Shaun White? Funny, here I've been thinking the world revolved around my daughter.

Christy said...

my husband is just about ready to strangle me as i force him to watch the men's figure skating...i heard the US has a contender and he is considered very masculine...i had to see it for myself....
thank you for making me laugh...EVERY DAY!!

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I have been trying to get my little guy to watch some of the Olympics. All they keep showing in the afternoon is cross country skiing. He has no interest in that!

Stopping from SITS!

tbsomeday said...

funny girl!
what a great laugh--i love your posts :)
great way to start the day

i'm totally lost too..in fact, shame shame
i haven't even watched yet
gasp!

Eclipsed said...

Stopping by from SITS

I couldn't care less about the Olympics. Is that terrible? I'd be more then happy to let you just tell me all about it. Reading this post was more enjoyable than watching ladies chuck rocks.

Denise said...

Stopping by from SITS to say Hi!

Cyndi @ 6 Ring Circus said...

Huge fans of the Flying Tomato here at the House of Testosterone. We have our fingers crossed too. Oh and...WTF with curling, right?!

just call me jo said...

The Olympics this year are just one big yawn as far as I'm concerned. Glad to hear some one else feels similarly.
Yes, pray that Shaun shines. Don't fall, Shaun. Don't suck!!

Punk said...

Hey, I know who Shaun White is! GO, SHAUN WHITE!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!

Grilled Cheese said...

Mother of crap, what is with the sparkles and sequins and fringe and deep Vs and whatnot with the men's skating?

If you're a male ice dancer, don't you want to, I don't know, man that shit up a little?

Yikes.

The Football Wife said...

Did Brian Boitano dress like that a million years ago? I haven't watched the Olympics yet... I can't manage to stay up that late. ;)

coach said...

All i ask is for some fun sports here....maybe skiing or boarding. What do I get CURLING! Unfreakingbelievable. I miss football already!

Amanda said...

yeah, I don't get curling, not in the slightest. But I know this asshole who likes curling(he's an asshole for a different reason, not because he likes curling) and he like, eagerly anticipates it, like really? Why not just paint the wall and watch it dry.

And that dude with a bedazzler problem? totally doing that just for people to talk about him because that's what I've been doing ALL DAY LONG. So you win this round, weird little ice skating guy.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

I was watching the skiing events earlier. Glad we grabbed the gold. Not so thrilled with the crashes...