How Waxing My Husband's Chest Almost Ended My Marriage But Ended Up Saving His Life Instead

In the ten years that I have been with Matt we have been through job loss and unemployment, poverty, illness. We have added two children to the mix and lost two. We have moved once before and are closing on our house on Monday and in all that time I have never worried that our marriage was in any danger.


Until I waxed his chest.


He was sincerely upset with me by the time we finished. It's not like I was ruthless. I took care to research the proper way to wax a chest to make it less painful. Of course I did this research on the Internet making it the most reliable information out there. 


I thought that perhaps you might attempt to try waxing your husband's chest at some point in your marriage and I should pass along what I learned through the process.


Step one: Don't do it.

If you should chose to ignore step one:

Step two: Take a picture of your husband shirtless trying to look like a thug. (this will serve as the before shot for when you write a blog post chronicling the events that almost ended your marriage.) Notice the delicate purple flower shower curtain we chose as a background for our thug-life picture.

Step Three: Use hair trimmers to shorten the hair. This (allegedly) lessens the pain of the waxing. See how far you can push your husband's patience by taking another picture of him sans his shirt. 


Step Four: Assure the police when they stop by that the high pitched screaming they hear is not you beating a little girl but, in fact, your husband getting his chest waxed. Try not to notice when the police begin to openly weep at the idea of getting their own chest waxed.


Step Five: Take a picture of all the waxing strips for your after shot since your husband has left the room and is no longer talking to you. It might also be wise to warn your readers that the next picture is all kinds of nasty.

Step Six: Talk your husband out of divorce by taking him mini-golfing for his birthday. It's best not to keep score so there is no written evidence that he got beat by a five year old.

Is it just me or does she look like she dressed up like a little old lady to go mini-golfing?

Even then it might not be enough. So...

Step Seven: Take him out to a nice dinner. Talk someone else into paying for dinner. Order two oyster appetizers because it's not your tab. Oh and take a humiliating picture of your husband in a hat with candles while his godmother shoves a sparkler in his face yelling, "Blow it out! Blow it out!" 

Um, G.G., you can't blow out a sparkler. It was at this time that Matt began to see the wisdom of waxing. Imagine the horror of chest hair set ablaze. Oh the humanity. And all that time he thought I was being cruel when really I had his best interest in mind.

Divorce averted.