How Waxing My Husband's Chest Almost Ended My Marriage But Ended Up Saving His Life Instead

In the ten years that I have been with Matt we have been through job loss and unemployment, poverty, illness. We have added two children to the mix and lost two. We have moved once before and are closing on our house on Monday and in all that time I have never worried that our marriage was in any danger.


Until I waxed his chest.


He was sincerely upset with me by the time we finished. It's not like I was ruthless. I took care to research the proper way to wax a chest to make it less painful. Of course I did this research on the Internet making it the most reliable information out there. 


I thought that perhaps you might attempt to try waxing your husband's chest at some point in your marriage and I should pass along what I learned through the process.


Step one: Don't do it.

If you should chose to ignore step one:




Step two: Take a picture of your husband shirtless trying to look like a thug. (this will serve as the before shot for when you write a blog post chronicling the events that almost ended your marriage.) Notice the delicate purple flower shower curtain we chose as a background for our thug-life picture.


Step Three: Use hair trimmers to shorten the hair. This (allegedly) lessens the pain of the waxing. See how far you can push your husband's patience by taking another picture of him sans his shirt. 


Step Four: Assure the police when they stop by that the high pitched screaming they hear is not you beating a little girl but, in fact, your husband getting his chest waxed. Try not to notice when the police begin to openly weep at the idea of getting their own chest waxed.


Step Five: Take a picture of all the waxing strips for your after shot since your husband has left the room and is no longer talking to you. It might also be wise to warn your readers that the next picture is all kinds of nasty.


Step Six: Talk your husband out of divorce by taking him mini-golfing for his birthday. It's best not to keep score so there is no written evidence that he got beat by a five year old.

Is it just me or does she look like she dressed up like a little old lady to go mini-golfing?

Even then it might not be enough. So...

Step Seven: Take him out to a nice dinner. Talk someone else into paying for dinner. Order two oyster appetizers because it's not your tab. Oh and take a humiliating picture of your husband in a hat with candles while his godmother shoves a sparkler in his face yelling, "Blow it out! Blow it out!" 

Um, G.G., you can't blow out a sparkler. It was at this time that Matt began to see the wisdom of waxing. Imagine the horror of chest hair set ablaze. Oh the humanity. And all that time he thought I was being cruel when really I had his best interest in mind.

Divorce averted.

20 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

OWWWWWWW. I can't imagine waxing anything near my nipples.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

posting a picture of my husband without his shirt on...on my blog...could most likely end our marriage. LOL.

kaci jo said...

hilarious!!!

Dione said...

Oh, Missy. You make me laugh! Please tell Coach that I would really like to see the after shot!

I probably missed it, but did you mention in an earlier post why you wanted to wax his chest?

Bellsys said...

Matt, you have my sympathy...don't ever let anyone do that to you again. (Steve Carell can relate.)

Kathy said...

I am just cracking up. Here I thought you were going to share that you found this dangerously cancerous-looking mole that was revealed after all that chest hair disappeared. . .So do you think your husband will be brave enough to "go Brazilian"? HA I read an article about a guy who tried this (Men's Journal) and it was a laugh until you cry moment. What on earth ever convinced him that you should do this?

tbsomeday said...

lol!
you have some wonderful family :)

i love it, especially the "thug" picture before shot

ps--i don't feel bad for him one bit....it was a taste of being a woman

tbsomeday said...

pss--forgot to add...even though i don't feel bad for him...i do give him TONS of credit for being a good sport!

and his old woman pic in the end was cute :)

Ry said...

love seeing my brother topless. LOVE IT! Now everyone can enjoy!

Good things. Good things.

just call me jo said...

Where were the "after" pics? Ugh! Those stripped pieces are nasty. He is a gem! Keep him. (Just don't repeat the waxing process for a loong time.)

foxy said...

Hahaha... reminds me of 40-Year Old Virgin!! OH KELLY CLARKSON!!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my hubs wouldn't make it past the first strip. And then he'd have a skin island in a sea of fur, which would not be sexy in any way. We'll just stick to the trimming and stop there. :)

KLZ said...

Divorce averted.

The perfect ending.

Amanda said...

WHEW glad that was figured out!

My husband wouldn't even let the thought of waxing his chest pass through my head.

Also, that last one with the hat is priceless.

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

that is wrong. you should be ashamed. [wipes tear from eye, tries to quit laughing before she pees her pants] so very, very wrong. . .Don't tell my hubs or we can't be friends anymore. . . : )

JoeyRes said...

You made me have a bit of a dry heave with those hairy wax strips.

Grilled Cheese said...

He let you wax his chest the day before his birthday?

That's a good man.

And I think between mini-golf and free dinner, you did a good job, too!

Cori said...

When Andrew and I first started dating, he used to let me tweeze those little hairs that were always threatening to make his eyebrows unified. Now he won't even be in the house when I have the tweezers =[ Such a poor sport, I wish Andrew would man up like Matt.

Sarah and the Gentlemen said...

I was wondering... Did you have to apply ALL the strips at once THEN start pulling them off in order to be able to finish the job?

If I did that to my husband, it would have to be while he was asleep(read: a drug-induced coma).

Jessica and Jason said...

So, umm, I see the before picture, the mid picture, but... no after picture? It's too late - I'm consumed by morbid curiosity.

...I may not be able to sleep tonight...

Anonymous said...

A man is not a plastic baby doll like Barbie. Many women are afraid of the exterior man's masculinity and so they want him as smooth as them.