Because Even Flat-Chested Mothers of Four Deserve to Enjoy Bikini Season

I have big news. It's the second week of  the Buffalo Bills Organized Team Activities (OTAs). Cue the fangirl screaming.

I knew you'd be excited.

So a lot has happened since last season. We have a new head coach. Which is super exciting since he bears a striking resemblance to Gene Hackman, don't you think?

Our New Head Coach: His name doesn't matter. We'll just refer to him as Gene Hackman's 3rd cousin 6 times removed or simply Coach Hackman.

Coach Hackman has implemented some new workouts for the players. The natural query here is: Why do NFL players need new workouts? Honestly, they already have muscles on top of their muscles. Not that I'm complaining. 

So NOT complaining over here.

Oh, sorry about that, back on point. Why do NFL players need new workouts? I pondered this question. I searched my soul, took a short pilgrimage to my kitchen and even went so far as to consult a priest. At least I'm pretty sure he was a priest...might have just been a homeless man in black. Either way it wasn't until I asked Google that I found my answers.

I'm sure it's common knowledge in your home that the Bills are a small market team. They are always looking for new and creative ways to make a buck and keep afloat. While some might argue that winning a game or two might increase their revenue, I suspect that Coach Hackman is moving the team in a different direction. I believe he intends on having the team make workout DVDs to encourage us fat size 6 challenged woman to be more active.

You may be wondering why women would want to do an exercise DVD put together by NFL players. How can we possibly relate to these athletes? Well besides the obvious eye-candy aspect, there are also players that look like flat-chested mothers of four.

Now who can't relate to that?

Also I'm sure that elite athletes know a lot of things about exercise that we don't and there is so much we could learn. Just take a look at some of the promotional shots for the DVD and you'll understand what I mean.

I realize that at first glance this looks like four men practicing their next water ballet routine, but it's actually a new twist on a basic stretch. Some of the key elements that you'll learn from this segment? How to coordinate outfits with your fellow gym goers. (or if you should chose to do this routine alone then you can coordinate outfits with your cat.) Additionally they will teach you the importance of never stretching without your helmet and face mask. Also there is a really interesting tidbit in there about which stretches you should be wearing your mouth guard for.

After you are good and limber, it's time for the "Karate Kid".  This is a particularly difficult move which requires the use of three of your legs and all four of your arms. You might have to try a modified version of this at first. Or your could skip it all together and just do the TO.

Now technically TO isn't a part of the team anymore, but giving back to size 6 challenged women is a cause he's passionate about, so he agreed to participate in the DVD. In this segment TO shows us the importance of spending a little time at the gym. Studies have shown that spending a few hours a week at the gym can be very beneficial. As TO is demonstrating here, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to workout. Simply sit among the weights and the muscles will show up on their own. This particular exercise can be costly as it requires gym membership, but it boasts the perk of no helmet hair.

Finally, back to the stretching. Obviously this is a very relaxed portion of the DVD. You are free to pin your shirt up to show off your smoking hot abs (as demonstrated by 65). After such an amazing workout you might be feeling pretty good about how you look and want to strike a sexy pose. Simply cross your legs and place one hand on your hip. To add a bit of mystery to your pose you should look disinterested in what is going on as demonstrated by number 82. From the looks of the jaw dropping in this picture that pose really impresses. Work it, Number 82, work it. Snap circle to you.

7 comments:

Kathy English said...

Ha! You crack me up! Here I thought I was going to write a comment to sympathize with you about the horrors of shopping for a bathing suit - and instead I get this great article about exercise complete with hot men and Gene Hackman's 3rd cousin 6 times removed. Love it! Keep up the good work!

Punk said...

Dear Trent,

I'm as surprised to say this as you will be to hear it, but I've missed you. Thank you for being so pretty.

Yours truly,
Punk

p.s. Please wake up.

just call me jo said...

Hilarious! I look like the last picture sometimes when I sneeze and pee a little.Oh, minus the abs of 65.

Amanda said...

Coach Hackman! HA!

Could that guy be less interested in that exercise?

tbsomeday said...

lol--you always make me laugh girl!
love your last picture/section...i went back over it a few times :)
snap

blueviolet said...

You are completely hilarious!

Dione said...

Are you sure #5 doesn't have a bulged disc? Or maybe it's ruptured? Cause that's what I looked like just before I started physical therapy.