Girl Scouts: Are They Giving Away Pole Dancing Badges Now?

In an attempt to over stimulate my child and help her forget that she has a family, Matt and I have been busy signing Mallory up for every extracurricular activity the summer has to offer. She's all signed up for swimming lessons, summer rec and a boccie ball league for some added culture. After we hired a personal assistant to keep track of Mallory's summer itinerary, we realized that there was something missing from her agenda. What could it possibly be? I mean she's going to get to ride a bus in a bathing suit and participate in unnamed activities under the watchful eye of an unidentified stranger. It would seem that the only thing missing from this summer vacation is running with scissors and, you know, actual vacation, but it's not. 

By now I'm sure you are all, "C'mon just spit it out already, Bethany. What is missing?" You might have even drawn the attention of your coworkers by yelling at me through the computer for this necessarily long intro so I'll just say it.

Cookies. There are no cookies on Mallory's summer agenda.

Naturally this means she has to be a Girl Scout. I sat down in my computer stool (the back fell off this beauty with wheels). I rubbed my computer screen and it asked me what I wanted and I said, "I wish to find a local Girl Scout troop." Google has never let me down and today was no different. The first link was to the website for the local Girl Scout chapter. I clapped twice and the link opened.

Only it didn't open properly.

So I clapped again.

Same message.

"The parental controls on this computer have blocked this site due to MATURE CONTENT."

Now that my parental controls have pointed it out she does look pretty sketchy. I bet she's packing heat or at the very least a nose picker. So instead of Girl Scouts, Matt and I have decided to let Mallory volunteer at the local maximum security prison. She'll learn valuable skills like how to turn a toothbrush into a shiv and how to survive in a gang culture. We figured that after about a year of volunteering there she should assimilate nicely in the Girl Scouts. Cookie pushing isn't for the faint of heart.


Ry said...

lol wonderful. simply wonderful.

Sara said...

You can't trust the Girl Scouts. Between the cookies laced with heroin and all those crazy-ass patches, they're up to something.

Trust me. I was one.

tbsomeday said...

lol--both you and your commmentors crack me up

maybe you need to think about 4-H instead?

coach said...

This computer glitch is killing me. I need Mallory to get me those cookies. Daddy's hungry!

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

you're telling me. I had to push those suckers all over the neighborhood when I was little. Have you seen children these days? There are a few who look like they've taught the pole dancing badge material. . .Just sayin'.

Uptown Girl said...

ironically, I've read some disturbing things about the Girl Scouts over the last couple years! Not the actual girls, just the organization.

That reminds me- I bought cookies this year and I don't know what happened to them?? Did I already eat them all?? scary...