It's a fairly safe bet that most people are familiar with the Dr. Seuss book, Oh, the Places You'll Go! You've no doubt either given or received it as a gift at some point. My kids received it a few years ago and it has quickly climbed up the list of my favorite books. I love how Dr. Seuss wrote a book that is in keeping with his writing style yet teaches so many life lessons. I might even go so far as to say I feel it is literary genius. Dr. Seuss, you were the man.
These days I find my life is best described by pages 24-26,
"...headed, I fear toward a most useless place, The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."
Most of you are aware that I had a miscarriage earlier this year. We were instructed to wait 3 months before getting pregnant again. So we did. At the beginning of May we got a positive pregnancy test and went straight away to the doctor. They ran blood work to make sure that the pregnancy hormones (HCG) were doubling like they should, and they were. Then last Thursday we had our first ultrasound. Based on the projected HCG levels we should have been able to see a heartbeat but we did not. What we saw was a healthy looking pregnancy dated at 5wks 1day. So the doctor ran my HCG levels again. On Friday the nurse called me and said my HCG levels indicate that I should be more than 6 weeks along and due to the discrepancy in the blood work and ultrasound they feel I have what is called a blighted ovum.
A blighted ovum is when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterus but fails to develop any farther. There are many cases of women that have been misdiagnosed with blighted ovums and ended up with healthy babies, but I'm guessing that statistically a miscarriage is the norm here. I haven't had any symptoms of a miscarriage yet and I have another ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, to see what we see I guess.
With the pregnancy I lost, I knew something was amiss. I had had no experience with the loss of a pregnancy so I paid very little attention to those feelings, but I knew. This time, I'm a little all over the place. My thought here is that, this is my baby. It's a terrifying thought because truth be told it's much easier to think the worst and get the best, but to believe the best and get the worst just seems cruel.
So here I wait. Waiting for a miscarriage or waiting for an ultrasound with a heartbeat. It most certainly feels like the Most Useless Place.
If you are considering calling me to see how I'm feeling, I would like to recommend that you don't. I've already put my feelings here and you are free to comment away on them. Plus, if you try to call me, you might find yourself trapped in a conversation about Trent Edwards and how the Buffalo Bills' OTA's are going, or the latest news coming out of the New Moon set or even how the next installment of the Harry Potter films will be arriving in theaters soon. You know, real deep, thought-provoking, life-changing topics.
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