The End

It's been almost a month since I first broke the news of the blighted ovum and almost two months since I first got the positive pregnancy test.

This past weekend I had a miscarriage. We knew it was coming so it wasn't a big shock. Being perfectly honest, I was ready for this to be over. Even though it took longer than I would have liked I'm glad I did it this way. I would have hated it if I had to wonder if this pregnancy would have developed into a viable one. At least now I have no questions and that gives me a lot of closure.

There isn't a lot more to say here. Now we move forward. I'll take care of the children I already have and keep busy with the business of getting this house market-ready. Ugh.


In keeping with custom, Punk and I exchange pictures over the Internet on our bad days. Since clearly this was a very bad day she sent me many many pictures of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. And then we found one of our hottie Quarterback, Trent Edwards, during his college years. He may have been smart enough to go to Stanford but he made some seriously bad hair decisions. It's a copyrighted photo, so if you care to mock it like we did, (I'm ashamed to admit it, but we did) you have to click the link.

I've really appreciated everyone's support through this. There has been a huge difference in dealing with this since I shared it with you and going it alone. It's been so comforting to know that I'm not alone. All silliness aside, thank you. I really mean that.

I'm Going to Get a Job Working In The Rice Paddies.

It's late and I've had a busy day. I always feel guilty saying I had a busy day because my mom and Homegirl each have six kids at home. There is no way I am as busy as them and they don't seem to complain about it. Yet I complain. I am a complainer. But I'm honest, so there is always that. I forgot what my point was.
Ah, Yes.
I went to the doctors yet again today. First let's back track to Friday. For the past three Friday's I've gotten the same phone call from the nurse at my OB's office. Things don't look good. You'll most likely start cramping and bleeding this weekend.
This past Friday was no exception, only this time I almost laughed out loud. How many weeks in a row am I going to get the same call. Then, I might have blown her mind a bit. She said, "Do you want to schedule an appointment for a D&C?"
No. No I do not.
She seemed completely confused that I was OK with letting things take care of themselves. She might have even stuttered a bit. Is it wrong that I giggle at this? Honestly, I feel, for lack of a better word, kinda Zen about it at this point. What is meant to be is going to be and we are just waiting for the plan to unfold. I'm good with the waiting. This is just a small portion of my life and I don't see any need to rush things.
So I'm not really sure why I had to interrupt my busy day to go to the doctor's today except that they wanted to make sure I'm not ready to jump off a bridge or something. We did the whole, how are you feeling, any symptoms, any bleeding...blah blah blah. Then they syphoned out more of my blood, they said it was to check my HCG levels but I swear they are feeding a family of vampires or something.
The midwife has decided to confer with the doctor and give me an idea for a timeline of how long they'll let me ride this thing out. Also I'll get those useless HCG numbers tomorrow. I'm starting to see the benefit of the lack of medical intervention offered by third world countries.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

It's a fairly safe bet that most people are familiar with the Dr. Seuss book, Oh, the Places You'll Go! You've no doubt either given or received it as a gift at some point. My kids received it a few years ago and it has quickly climbed up the list of my favorite books. I love how Dr. Seuss wrote a book that is in keeping with his writing style yet teaches so many life lessons. I might even go so far as to say I feel it is literary genius. Dr. Seuss, you were the man.

These days I find my life is best described by pages 24-26,

"...headed, I fear toward a most useless place, The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."

Most of you are aware that I had a miscarriage earlier this year. We were instructed to wait 3 months before getting pregnant again. So we did. At the beginning of May we got a positive pregnancy test and went straight away to the doctor. They ran blood work to make sure that the pregnancy hormones (HCG) were doubling like they should, and they were. Then last Thursday we had our first ultrasound. Based on the projected HCG levels we should have been able to see a heartbeat but we did not. What we saw was a healthy looking pregnancy dated at 5wks 1day. So the doctor ran my HCG levels again. On Friday the nurse called me and said my HCG levels indicate that I should be more than 6 weeks along and due to the discrepancy in the blood work and ultrasound they feel I have what is called a blighted ovum.

A blighted ovum is when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterus but fails to develop any farther. There are many cases of women that have been misdiagnosed with blighted ovums and ended up with healthy babies, but I'm guessing that statistically a miscarriage is the norm here. I haven't had any symptoms of a miscarriage yet and I have another ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, to see what we see I guess.

With the pregnancy I lost, I knew something was amiss. I had had no experience with the loss of a pregnancy so I paid very little attention to those feelings, but I knew. This time, I'm a little all over the place. My thought here is that, this is my baby. It's a terrifying thought because truth be told it's much easier to think the worst and get the best, but to believe the best and get the worst just seems cruel.

So here I wait. Waiting for a miscarriage or waiting for an ultrasound with a heartbeat. It most certainly feels like the Most Useless Place.

If you are considering calling me to see how I'm feeling, I would like to recommend that you don't. I've already put my feelings here and you are free to comment away on them. Plus, if you try to call me, you might find yourself trapped in a conversation about Trent Edwards and how the Buffalo Bills' OTA's are going, or the latest news coming out of the New Moon set or even how the next installment of the Harry Potter films will be arriving in theaters soon. You know, real deep, thought-provoking, life-changing topics.